How should you respond if a non-Christian asks you out?

Last week I answered a question from a woman who isn't sure how to turn down a date with an unbeliever. She wrote,

A few weeks ago a non-Christian asked me out. I didn't know he was interested in me, was taken off guard, and didn't know how to respond. I felt very uncomfortable saying, "Sorry, I won't spend time with you because you aren't a Christian." Instead, I made up a lame excuse and left. I'm sure that was not the best way to handle the situation. It certainly wasn't honest. What do you think is the most sensitive and loving way to explain that you only date other Christians?

It's a good question both because it reaffirms the biblical command to only date and marry believers, but also because it reminds us that some ways of saying no are better than others. I replied,

In order to follow through on your desire to date and marry a believer, you must love Christ above all else. He must be more valuable to you than any human relationship — He must be your greatest treasure. Then, rooted in His love and empowered by the Holy Spirit, you will not only have the ability to obey His commands, you will also be able to do so — including saying no to a date with an unbeliever — in ways that testify to your faith.

So what to do in this specific situation you’ve raised? In short, you should reply “No, thank you.” Said with a smile, those three little words are powerful for guarding you from all sorts of undesirable situations. ... sometimes it’s necessary to say more than that. I agree it’s not a good idea to say, “Sorry, I won't spend time with you because you aren't a Christian.” But you can certainly say, “As a Christian, I’m committed to dating only those who share my faith.” A response like this may cause a young man to stop and think, and may open his eyes to the Gospel.

You can read my full answer at Boundless.org.

How can I break up with an unbelieving boyfriend without turning him off to the faith?

Last week I received an email from a woman wondering about the best way to break up with her unbelieving boyfriend. She wrote,

I have decided to break up with my non-Christian boyfriend. Should I tell him that my main reason for doing so is his lack of faith and thereby risk turning him off to Christianity forever? Or should I withhold this information so that he won't associate my faith with the pain of being dumped?

I care a lot about him, and I definitely want him to find God on his own someday. I'm just afraid that I will do or say something to jeopardize his journey. Is there a way to do this kindly and honestly without damaging his view of God?

I love getting questions like this, especially when they're full of faith in the God who convicts us of sin and gives us strength to obey. I replied,

I'm so thankful you're willing to do what's painful in order to obey God's Word (1 Corinthians 7:39, 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is evidence of the Holy Spirit's conviction. You're right that how you do this is important for how he perceives God. I don't think you should tell him your main reason for ending your romantic relationship is his lack of faith, however. Instead, I think you should tell him it's yours. ...

It's not your boyfriend's fault that this is ending so much as it's your responsibility that it began. As the believer in the relationship, you are the one who knows what God requires. If you're trusting in Christ's atoning work on the cross, you have the Spirit of Christ within you to empower you to obey. Rather than telling him it's over because of a faith he doesn't have — and risk a false conversion or, as you fear, a reason for him to be bitter about Christianity — explain that you were wrong to date him once you knew he didn't believe the Gospel. Tell him you're sorry for misleading him about your faith.

You can read my full answer at Boundless.org.

Dear Overweight Woman

And you are dear. I’ve been overweight and I’ve been the ideal weight, and I know the frustration and discouragement and agony that attends the former. But do not despair. There is hope. The overweight believer has just as much reason to hope for marriage as does the physically ideal one. Why? Because God is able. And marriage is a gift from Him; not a reward for those who manage to fit the current ideal of beauty.

Your worth and value come not from a number on the scale, or even from your ability to cut calories and get yourself to a gym to shed unwanted pounds — and believe me when I say I understand how unwanted they are! Regardless of your girth, you are precious. You are valued. You are worthy, because you are the crown of creation (1 Peter 3:18). You are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26). And yet you are utterly unworthy. Apart from Christ we are all unworthy (Romans 3:23, Luke 17:10). And we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). Your sin is painfully visible. But it is not insurmountable.

You have the same access to the Risen Lord; to the One who said, “Your sins are forgiven, now go and sin no more” (John 8:11).

It won’t be easy. But the desire to please God — to honor Him with your body (1 Corinthians 6:20) — is a powerful motivator. And He will send the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to help you (John 14:16). It is possible to overcome obesity. But the goal should never be to turn a head or even snag a mate. The ultimate goal and the one that has the power to change you, is God’s glory.

I love what David Platt writes in his book, Radical, in his chapter about the disciples. What a rag-tag group they were with little to recommend them as the right men to spread the Gospel through all the earth. Yet, he writes, “This is the design of God among his people. He is giving unlikely people his power so it is clear who deserves the glory for the success that takes place.”

Is it harder to attract a man when you’re morbidly obese? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Is it just too difficult to imagine that you could lose weight and get fit? With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). And the more difficult your situation, the more glory God stands to receive when you are victorious through Him. (Two Christian women: Mandisa and Chantel Hobbs come to mind as good role models for the journey.)

Ask God to be glorified in your story. Even as you long and pray for a husband. Ask Him to help you lose weight, to guide you to people and plans that can help you develop a healthy lifestyle. And ask Him to write the story of your life in such a way that when you tell it, you will be able to make much of Him! I am praying for you.

How We Met

I love hearing stories of how couples met. Whenever Steve and I host dinner parties, the question, "how did you meet?" is a staple for getting the conversation started.The answers, as varied as fingerprints, show God's creativity in bringing men and women together for marriage. Those stories renew my hope every time. God is the ultimate creative spirit; with the resources of the universe at His disposal. If ever there were a skilled matchmaker, HE IS IT!

Yesterday, as I posted an interview with Phil and Heather Joel, I was remembering their "how we met story." Phil was touring with the Newsboys and during one interview with a radio station in Kansas, he was told "there are only three mics in the studio." Since there were three Newsboys and one host, someone had to bow out. Phil did. It had everything to do with the cute receptionist out in the lobby.

Fast forward a bit and Phil is back on the road, a baggie of quarters in hand. This was pre-cell phones, people! He used the coins for payphone calls (do they even have those anymore?) to Heather. It's a great story. You can listen to the whole thing on the Boundless Show.

If you've read Get Married, you know how we met. It all started with a book. The first time Steve and I were introduced, the subject of books came up. In the course of conversation Steve mentioned he was reading Microserfs. As soon as I could—later that same day—I went and bought that book. I figured it was guaranteed conversation the next time we talked,

And we're still talking and reading books 14 years later.

We'll be asking the "how did you two meet?" question again tonight when Suzanne Hadley and her fiance Kevin come over for dessert. I'm intrigued by their story (older woman meets younger man at Starbucks) and eager to share more of it with you. Till then, you can read "A Year to Love" and be inspired by ongoing evidence of God's intimate involvement in "how we met."