How can I break up with an unbelieving boyfriend without turning him off to the faith?

Last week I received an email from a woman wondering about the best way to break up with her unbelieving boyfriend. She wrote,

I have decided to break up with my non-Christian boyfriend. Should I tell him that my main reason for doing so is his lack of faith and thereby risk turning him off to Christianity forever? Or should I withhold this information so that he won't associate my faith with the pain of being dumped?

I care a lot about him, and I definitely want him to find God on his own someday. I'm just afraid that I will do or say something to jeopardize his journey. Is there a way to do this kindly and honestly without damaging his view of God?

I love getting questions like this, especially when they're full of faith in the God who convicts us of sin and gives us strength to obey. I replied,

I'm so thankful you're willing to do what's painful in order to obey God's Word (1 Corinthians 7:39, 2 Corinthians 6:14). This is evidence of the Holy Spirit's conviction. You're right that how you do this is important for how he perceives God. I don't think you should tell him your main reason for ending your romantic relationship is his lack of faith, however. Instead, I think you should tell him it's yours. ...

It's not your boyfriend's fault that this is ending so much as it's your responsibility that it began. As the believer in the relationship, you are the one who knows what God requires. If you're trusting in Christ's atoning work on the cross, you have the Spirit of Christ within you to empower you to obey. Rather than telling him it's over because of a faith he doesn't have — and risk a false conversion or, as you fear, a reason for him to be bitter about Christianity — explain that you were wrong to date him once you knew he didn't believe the Gospel. Tell him you're sorry for misleading him about your faith.

You can read my full answer at Boundless.org.

I Married an Unbeliever, Now What?

Last week advice columnist Starshine Roshell answered a question at TheWeek.com from a self-described Christian woman married to an atheist man. She wrote,

I have been married for two years, and we just got pregnant. Neither of us was planning it and we were using birth control, but I guess we were the lucky 1 percent. I really love my husband... but he is a devout atheist and I am a devout Christian. I want to have the baby, and so does he, but we are having a hard time deciding how we will bring up our child. What do people do in this situation?

Albert Mohler talks about this question, and Starshine's response, on today's briefing with a strong word to Christians who are thinking about marrying an unbeliever (atheist or otherwise.). This is a cautionary tale: Scripture is clear that we are not to be "unequally yoked."

But what if you wrote the question (or could have)? What if you are already married to an unbeliever? Or what if you became a believer after you were married? This side of the altar, what are you supposed to do?

A few years ago I answered a question like that on Boundless.

QUESTION

Ten years ago, as a young girl raised with strong Christian parents and about to graduate from a Christian high school, I would have never believed that I would be where I am today. I feel sick to my stomach after reading these articles. The reason isn't because the articles are offensive, but rather because according to these articles, my life is terribly offensive to God.

I did "Missionary Date" my now-husband in college (well, actually I was in denial; his referring to himself as a Christian did not make him one), have been "unequally yoked" to him for five years now, and at the young age of 20 and 23 made "not having babies" our option. At 26, he had a surgery that made having babies not an option.

I've taken three wrong turns and I am lost. I am determined not to divorce and I'm reluctant to reverse our decision (and surgery) about not having children since the reason I decided not to still remains: I'm too afraid to raise a child without a Christian husband. Please advise me on the right way to live under these circumstances that I've created for myself.

ANSWER

Thank you for writing. I'm so glad you did because I want to assure you and encourage you that while those articles speak to where you are, they were not written to condemn you. The primary reason for the first article is to encourage not-yet-marrieds to make wise dating decisions. The purpose of the second is to exhort believers who don't yet have kids (whether married or not) to have a biblical worldview about bearing children.

In your case, the articles are descriptive. But as your email reveals, they don't go far enough to say what to do if you've already ignored such advice. You've admittedly made some mistakes. The Bible calls them sin. That's the hard truth. The good news, however, is that Christ died to cover your sins with His blood and there is forgiveness at the foot of the cross and the empty tomb.

Scripture goes on to tell believers in exactly your circumstance what you can do about it. Paul tells the believers in Corinth who are married to non-believers that,

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace (1 Corinthians 7:12-15).

Peter also addresses your situation, encouraging you that you can win your husband to Christ without even speaking a word.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

I admire your commitment to your wedding vows and your disdain of divorce. Both are evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in your heart and both are powerful testimonies to your husband of your faith. I would encourage you to keep praying daily for him both in your quiet time as well as in agreement with other mature believers (keeping in mind that prayer for him should not be confused with gossiping about him). God can save him and often does lead whole families to faith through the persistent prayers of a believing relative.

You can't change the past. But you can repent for your disobedience, and you can start acting from this point forward with biblical wisdom. How do you do that? By praying and asking God for wisdom (James 1:5); by studying God's Word so that you can know what it says and what it requires of you (Psalm 119, 2 Timothy 2:15, Micah 6:8); and by asking your pastor or the elders of your church for help and accountability. Have you asked for counsel and prayer from those in leadership? The body of Christ is a strong help to us when we're facing major challenges if we will walk with other believers in the context of a biblically faithful church.

Finally, even if your husband never comes to know Christ personally, you can trust God's sovereignty to ultimately redeem your situation; to bring beauty from ashes.

This is not the time to be downcast or discouraged, but the time to repent for your sins, walk by faith, and to put your hope and trust in the Lord's ability redeem your life and marriage in a way that demonstrates His faithfulness and miracle-working activity in the lives of those who trust Him.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man (Romans 8:1-3).

There is great reward, joy and life to be had in the path of obedience. I pray God will equip you for what you must do. I pray He will give you a long and fruitful marriage that bears witness to His sovereignty in your life.

Sincerely, CANDICE WATTERS

Loving your wife when you hate the romantic industrial complex

Men, as we enter the week of Valentine's Day, is there a part of you that feels a little anxious as sellers of romantic gifts and services peddle their wares and set expectations for how men should go about translating love for their wives? Are you tempted to just write it off as a Hallmark holiday and boycott the whole thing? If so, I think you'll enjoy something my colleagues Randy Stinson and Dan Dumas wrote about this that ran in the Southern Seminary Towers magazine:

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Some men who suspect they should do more to express love to their wives are turned off by what we call the “romantic industrial complex”—the producers of cards, jewelry, flower arrangements, chick flicks, chocolates, candlelit dinners, stuffed bears, getaways and other romantic stuff — vendors who seem to be in a conspiracy to hyper-commercialize romance, they run men through a gauntlet of unrealistic expectations and then extort them into paying to prove their affection. You know it’s gotten out of control when Evergreen Waste Services of Delaware runs an ad that says, “For Valentine’s Day, nothing says ‘I love you’ like affordable, reliable trash service” (Can you imagine the husband that banks his Valentine’s Day on that gesture?).

Because of this kind of craziness, a lot of men we know tend to check out and write it all off as beneath them. There’s a lot to hate about the business aspects of romance. But you have to make sure you don’t throw out your baby (your wife) with the “Romantic Raspberry” scented bath water. You don’t have to become a mindless consumer of the romantic industrial complex, but you do need to love your wife and live with her in an understanding way. What matters is being enough of a student of who your wife is — what delights and encourages her — that you can customize your romantic efforts to her and tune out all the mass marketed stuff that you know doesn’t communicate love to your wife.

This study of your one-of-a-kind wife may lead you to see that what blesses her most are things, like encouraging words, uninterrupted conversations, morning notes, back rubs and other priceless things while expensive gifts and dinners out register little with her if they aren’t given in a way that shows that you know her. Your ongoing effort to know your wife and bless her distinctly may, however, lead you to realize that you need to “get off your wallet” and stop being stingy with your investment in her. And that may mean venturing out into the so-called romantic industrial complex. But you can (and should) bring leadership to the process. Have a good laugh at the “love junk” that gets marketed, but go take dominion and bring something back that shows that you know and cherish your wife. In that spirit, you can buy flowers, chocolates, cards and other things as unto the Lord and all to the glory of God.

I hope this is helpful as you seek to bless your wife this week.

A Military Path to Marriage

This week, Boundless editor Ted Slater had a creative idea. Rather than the typical Q&A with John Thomas (for the guys), he thought it would be creative to have John and I both weigh in on the same question. I had an immediate and strong reaction to the question when I first read it, and agreed that it would interesting to see how we might approach it differently.

Here's what our reader asked,

I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half, I'm really wanting to get married, but I haven't completed much college and I don't know exactly what I want to do for a living.

Right now I think that I want to enlist in the military. That would financially enable me to get married, and then when I came out I could go to college, and it would be all paid for. Not only that, I could serve my country!

My girlfriend doesn't want me to do this, though, because she doesn't want me to be deployed. It's not like we're engaged or married, so how much should I let her opinion weigh in on decision making? Obviously It has to, to some degree. It's not like she's giving me an ultimatium or anything. She said she would support me if I decide to do this.

Our side-by-side answers are here. I'm curious though, what would you answer?

Recent Roundup

Tuesday Candice joined radio host Debbie Chavez to talk about being single, hoping for marriage, living like you're planning to marry, and more in an interview about Get Married.

The interview was live but she's posted a link to the archive here.

Also Tuesday, Boundless ran Candice's article How to Pray for a Husband.

If you've read "Pray Boldly," this will read like a part 2. If you haven't, it's a primer on the way we approach God in our desire for marriage. Here's an excerpt:

Things may not turn out how you want. In C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Susan asked Mr. Beaver about Aslan saying, "Is he — quite safe?" Mr. Beaver replied, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." You can know that wherever your journey with Him leads, it will be good.

Believe God is able. Trust Him. But know that believing and trusting aren't the same as setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if He doesn't answer you the way you hope He will. God is calling us to faith, like Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego. (keep reading)

Suzanne Gosselin blogged about the article on theBoundless Line blog, talking about how she prayed for marriage when she was single, and how her husband prayed for her.

Monday's Q&A was in response to a question from a woman who dated a non-believer, conceived his child, had a miscarriage, and is now wondering if she needs to tell her family. That and how to move forward in a new relationship that has the potential to go to marriage. You can read the whole exchange in "Hope for a Broken Life."

How Important is Chemistry in Dating?

"I've been dating this guy (pre-med, kind of nerdy, logical, strategic type of guy) for two years. He is smart, consistent, predictable, and incredibly faithful. He wants to honor me, provide for me, and marry me. He has been very intentional with my parents and with his desire to love and cherish only me. I love him very much, but we do not have the same "chemistry" that I shared with my last boyfriend. We have problems and have to work through them. We disagree on things and have to compromise. There is no "magic" and I feel I could logically live without him if we broke up.

"I just saw my old boyfriend again this week and was reminded again how strong the chemistry is between us. I miss the life, excitement, and passion of the first guy, but obviously he is not the right mate for me. I have a logical love for the second guy, but can I marry him knowing that we do not have a similar connection?

"My mom thinks that I should not dismiss chemistry and should seriously consider not marrying the second guy because I do not have the same connection. I don't want to go through life thinking about what I might have had if I had waited it out for a better connection. But I also don't want to pass up a great guy who adores me and wants to marry me and make me happy."

That's the question on today's Boundless Answers. What would you say? Here's how I answered.

Wedding Fantasy, and Reality

I used to dream about what my wedding would be like; down to the yellow roses in my bouquet and dark grey morning coat of the groom's tuxedo. I was 12. It was fun to think about what might be. Anything and everything is possible when it's in your imagination, with only a stack of bride magazine to fuel the dream. Nothing as pesky as a budget to get in the way of that designer silk shantung gown.

It's a lot harder to make your dreams come true when faced with the limits of how much money you actually have to spend. Especially when family and friends have expectations of a huge guest list. And you don't. That's the setup for today's Boundless Answers column, Wedding Woes. The questioner writes,

We are set to get married in April 2010 but the money and family demands are driving us crazy. Initially we had agreed on a small wedding of up to 50 people, but as time went by and our families have been involved, this has grown to 200 guests and the budget is not what we can meet. We still want to honor our parents and invite all our relatives but it's becoming too expensive.

Thankfully this is both problem and opportunity with lots of room to resolve the conflict and improve the relationships. You can read my full reply here.

As for my own wedding, some of what I dreamt came true. But despite all the details that didn't match my girlhood dream -- for budget reasons, as well as changes in styles -- the real thing was much better than I had imagined. And that had everything to do with the man I married.

And you know that grey coat? It's the very one Steve picked out for his tuxedo!

Two Questions, One Party and the Perfect Appetizer

Today's Boundless Answers is for everyone who's dated an adult convert with a bit of an, ahem, past. The questioner writes,

...he's only been saved and living for the Lord for the past several years. He was never completely crazy before that, but he did have a reputation as somewhat of a partier and for always being with a different girl. He's completely changed since then, and as I've only known him for about a year, almost all that I know about him back then is through him. I trust him implicitly and know he's been completely honest about everything.

My problem lies with friends of mine (and my family) who knew him back in the day but haven't since he's changed. They hear we're dating and automatically see it as a problem because of what they knew him as. ...I just don't know how to handle or respond to comments or assumptions made by well-meaning people who don't know better. Especially when it's people whom I respect.

To read my reply, go to "But He's Changed."

In the latest podcast "Wishin' and Hopin' and Being Intentional," we answer another question about dating. This one's from a woman who's wondering how much time she needs to spend getting to know a man before she starts dating him. The key is how you spend your time together rather than how much time you spend.

We're always looking for good inbox questions for the show. If you have one, please email it to Ted at editor@boundless.org. If you act fast, there's still time to be featured on our 100th episode, coming up in just two weeks!

Friday's Boundless party was a hit. Especially Lisa's cheese dip. Ever since I started making hummus (and semi-homemade pita crisps) in my 20s, it's been my go-to appetizer.

Being the perfect starter, I figured why branch out? But Lisa's cheese dip is a close second. Maybe you have a recipe you'd like to place in the running?

A Higher Standard

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless. Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,

Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?

Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.

What do you think?

Is there anything good about waiting?

If you haven't already seen it, I have a new article over on Boundless today that begins: "Recently a local church e-mailed me with an invitation to speak about waiting on God for a husband. I wondered if they had the right person.

"With a book title like Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I'm not exactly known for messages about waiting. Having spent so much of the past few years writing about all the ways we can delay marriage—to our disappointment and frustration—I wasn't sure I had much to say about waiting in a positive light. Is there anything good about waiting for marriage?"

That's the question I pose to myself in today's column, "It's Good to Wait." You can read the whole thing here.

You Can Leave Him

The question in Monday's Boundless Answers was possibly the most heartbreaking to land in my inbox. I changed some of the details to protect the author's identity, but the gist of what she said was that the man she loves isn't interested in anything more than uncommitted friendship with her. Even though they're having sex. And even though she conceived a child with him and he asked her to have an abortion. She did. Still she can't seem to leave him. Her situation sounds extreme, and it is. But how many of us have stayed in a relationship that's more harmful than good? What is it about our longing for love and marriage that often finds us putting up with things we never should, while going without what's most important?

In the talk I gave at a singles conference on Saturday, I emphasized how essential it is to have daily time for talking with God, praying, reading the Bible, and listening. It's in those intimate conversations that we grow in relationship with Him. And the stronger that relationship is, the more it will spill over into our relationships with other people. That's never more important than when you're considering a husband.

Growing closer to Jesus is the only thing that will help the woman who wrote me break off this most destructive of relationships—the bond sex creates really is that strong. Part of my response to her in "I Can't Leave Him" says,

I ache for you that you have accepted so many of these lies to your own hurt and the destruction of your child, and that you continue to long for a counterfeit. You are right that this guy will never commit. He hasn't, and without the transforming power of Christ, he won't. (Even an appearance of commitment, without a prior commitment to Christ, will be a cruel illusion.)

My advice to you is heartfelt and urgent: Find a godly church whose pastor preaches from the Bible and which offers a healthy community of believers to JOIN. Then do it—join the church. Get into fellowship with other believers. It's impossible to live the Christian life apart from the body of believers. Seek out wise and godly counsel from older women. Confess your sins, repent and turn away from them. Seek forgiveness, restoration and renewal.

The only hope you have for a healthy, godly, fruitful marriage is in relationship with a body of believers and, ultimately, in marriage to a Christ-following man.

An old friend of my read the Q&A and emailed to say,

I doubt that this girl will be able to break it off unless the guy dumps her, hurts her feelings terribly (one wonders, what more could he do?), or she falls in love with another man ... and yes, that man could be Jesus.

Amen. That is my prayer.

Ignore Conventional Wisdom

Suzanne Hadley is a fellow blogger and friend who recently got engaged. And just under three months after Kevin popped the question, they're getting married! And he's younger than she is. She's told her story before—and I love her story because it's so encouraging to 30-plus single, never-married women. But her article on Boundless yesterday takes the cake! Talk about category busting. She's giving away secrets here, ladies. And exploding myths. In "I Kept Looking" she bemoans four in particular:

1. God will give you a husband when you stop looking for one.
2. He'll only bring him to you when you're ready.
3. The best marriages begin when you're in your early 20s.
4. If you're not married, it's because something's wrong with you.

To these she says,

1. "I was looking"
2. "I wasn't ready"
3. "I waited until I was past my prime"
4. "I let myself go."

She explains, "there are several pieces of relationship lore that I ignored, either on purpose or inadvertently in my journey to finding my fiancé, Kevin." For example,

I thought, you "quit looking" and a man perfect for you materializes out of thin air. It didn't totally make sense to me, but this wasn't the first time I'd heard this kind of argument. As if the act of "forgetting" that you want to be married and have a family will cause God to push some Willy Wonka-esque button that produces the golden egg: a husband.

Regarding her looks, she says,

I didn't stop trying; I just stopped obsessing. I continued to wear my hair in a flattering style. I took up running for exercise. I focused on good skincare. But I also accepted my average, not-skinny weight and imperfect skin, and quit comparing myself (as much) to other girls. Accepting my outward appearance gave my inner beauty a chance to shine more brightly. When I walked into Kevin's Starbucks that day, he says he was wowed by my confidence and smile.

The key to her article, and her story, though, isn't that she merely chucked conventional wisdom out the window. She replaced it with biblical wisdom instead. Don't miss this! She says,

I am proof you can mess up the formula and still get the guy. I was looking, I wasn't ready, I was past my prime and I had let myself go. Four seeming no-no's. But there was something else going on. To the best of my ability, I was being faithful. Despite the disappointment of still being single past 30, I tried each day to be worthy of the calling I had received (Eph. 4:1) by taking the opportunities God placed in my path.

Everyone has a calling. And being faithful to the One who has called you is the absolute best way to have a fulfilling, hope-filled life. Faithfulness leads you to the places God wants you to go, including those places where you might bump into someone who's headed the same direction. That's why it's wise to keep looking.

What worldly advice have you displaced with God's Word?