She Wants a Baby

Early in our marriage, Candice and I used to take long walks in our neighborhood to discuss the week ahead. Sometimes we talked about the future, but there was always a clear line between immediate tasks, like “get the oil changed in the car,” and future plans, like “get rich and build our dream home on five acres.”

One day in the middle of a walk, Candice said, “I want to have a baby.” I thought, in this particular instance, that she meant a hypothetical baby set somewhere in the future. So I agreed that it was a good idea. Then she clarified that she wanted a baby now.

At that point, I suspected she was just having an emotional flare-up. There was simply no logic in what she was saying. She knew the status of our bills; she knew we couldn’t afford to have a baby. Besides, we had only been married a little more than a year and still had a lot of exploring to do as new residents of Colorado.

I realized I had to play the role of crisis manager. I had to talk her back from the ledge and encourage her to abandon the dangerous leap she was contemplating. Reasoning from logic, I talked about our finances not adding up. I reminded her of the dramatic adjustments a baby would require to our social lives, our living arrangements, and our concept of free time.

She nodded her head a lot, but I didn’t seem to be getting through. My reasons weren’t working. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. But I knew I wasn’t ready to say yes. The impact of this decision just seemed too significant to be made during a casual walk around the neighborhood. I wasn’t against having kids—I just didn’t think this was the best time. I had to find a compromise. Knowing she wouldn’t accept no, I said, “Yes … but … let’s just wait a little longer. Let’s pay off some bills, squeeze in some more adventures. Why hurry? We still have plenty of time.”

I waited for her response. She seemed to be considering my counteroffer. As she nodded her head in consent, I knew I had done it—I got her to hit snooze on her biological clock.

That is, until we went on another walk—this time with an older couple that had mentored us when we were dating.

Hubert and Mary Morken are action people. They like their walks brisk and over rough terrain if it’s available. My breath ran short several times as we climbed hills and dodged rocks with this couple the age of our parents. A sign along the path we hiked read, “Beware of rattlesnakes,” but I was more afraid of the conversation taking place between the women in front of me. Mary and Candice were talking as intensely as we were hiking. I couldn’t hear everything they were saying, just an occasional word—fertility, baby and money—among them. I knew the issue of having kids was, once again, front and center.

(From the prologue of Start Your Family)

From There to Here

It's hard to summarize the past four weeks of packing, driving, visiting, driving, apple picking, flying, speaking, birthday celebrating, packing, flying, packing, cleaning, flying, sleeping, packing, and finally, settling. But there you have it: the summary of our journey from our home of 13 years in Colorado to our new home in Louisville, KY.

Here it is in pictures.

The Gateway Arch on our drive east from Colorado.

Alongside the tree outside our apartment window in Kentucky.

Here's a bit of the view out my window heading north from Kentucky to Ohio.

And the view behind my seat.

Ohio provided lots of cousin time. We raked the leaves and jumped in them.

This guy turned four.

And this one nearly touched the sky. Or at least the tops of the trees.

Mid-way through our trip, Steve and I headed even further north to Minnesota for a long-planned speaking engagement at Northwestern College. While there, we toured a well-known ministry.

Visited a well-known friend.

And spent two days ministering alongside MJ and Julie, founders of Future Marriage University, as well as Brittany, the chapel coordinator for NWC.

We found some quiet family time at a little lake in Michigan.

And even found a way to get a group shot (thanks to an old lawn chair and my camera's timer).

In Ohio, the girls went to a fund raising tea for my sister's adoption from Ethiopia.

Then Steve and I headed back to Colorado to finish packing and, thanks to some amazing friends, spent our last few hours in our old hometown at our favorite place: The Braodmoor.

I've been tempted to great discouragement these past few months of transition as we've relocated to a new home after 13 years in Colorado. It's far too easy to focus on what I'm waiting for -- our house to sell, the new job to come through, the move to begin, the boxes to arrive, the move to end, etc. Waiting can be, and is, wearying. It's at times frustrating, depressing, discouraging, and more. I was reading Isaiah 40:30-31 and was struck by these verses:

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
 they shall mount up with wings like eagles; 
they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (ESV)

Whether you're single and waiting for a spouse, married and waiting for a baby, or, like us, waiting for things related to a change of job or move, waiting is wearying. Whatever it is you're waiting for. Unless what you're waiting on is the Lord. And that's the lesson I'm learning as we've been moving from there to here.

Hiking with Kids

Once upon a time, I wrote an article about family hikes. In it I said, "We figured if we raised two kids in Colorado and never got out in nature, they'd never let us live it down. So we bought some hiking boots and a guide to the Pikes Peak region and started walking." That was five years ago. Since then, we've had two more kids and out of necessity, slowed down our pace. Recently we dusted off our trail book, laced up our hiking boots, and headed back to nature.

Turns out my advice back then still holds. Even with twice the number of kids (maybe more so). Things like:

Don't be afraid to try something new.

Do it for the kids.

Make it fun.

Five years ago I wrote, "Encouraging a four year old to keep going to the end of a 2-mile hike can be a chore. But when he knows there's a root beer float waiting for him at the end of the trail he's more likely to embrace the challenge. And when his little legs get tired and he starts begging for someone to carry him, we often divert his attention by singing songs or practicing his letters ('What does apple start with?', 'How about baseball?', etc.)"

Maybe I should have actually read that old article before we went hiking. Confession: I remembered it after the hike, while editing these photos. And so instead of having a clever game ready to distract our three-year-old, and certainly no plan in place for root beer floats post-hike, Steve carried our 20 month old in the back pack and the three year old in his arms. (Ibuprofen anyone?)

But even being less-than-prepared, we made lots of memories in a beautiful place.

Back then I wrote about the joys of guilt-free chocolate on the trail. "Who wouldn't love a reason to eat some favorite high-energy snacks, knowing the exercise involved will burn those calories?!" For this hike I forgot to buy snacks before we left.

And so, we stopped here.

For snacks.

Very salty snacks. We should have brought more water than we did.

Instead, we shared our one water bottle and focused on some more of that advice: The thrill of discovery.

There's something new and innocent about a child discovering God's creation for the first time. A new bird, a bubbling stream -- or in this case, our state flower.

All these and more provide lots of oohs and ahhs on the trail while instilling a respect for nature.

Realizing "they can do it" is a big deal for little ones. Each step taken over rough terrain, each trail completed, even the occasional scraped knee can build self-esteem in kids. And even if they don't self-actualize, they'll be glad for some undistracted time with their favorite toys: Mom and Dad.

Babies, Keep 'Em Coming

A few days ago I tweeted about Yitta Schwartz, a Holocaust survivor who had 16 children, and as the New York Times tribute put it, put her "thumb in the eye of the Nazis." How? By leaving behind 2,000 descendants when she died at 93. 2,000!

By virtue of saying yes to the blessing of children, she "may have generated one of the largest clans of of any survivor of the Holocaust."

I think she's a hero. Not everyone does. Someone commented on my tweet with, "Most people don't believe having 2000 living descendents at the time of your death is a good thing. We're not rats & cats."

I'm not surprised by such sentiments, just saddened. In our anti-natalist culture, it's tempting to look at babies as consequences to be avoided. But that's not how God sees them. Psalm 127:3-5 says,

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

It's not easy having a lot of kids. We just got back from a long visit with family where 10 of the 12 cousins were all together. It was busy, and noisy, and not always easily managed (to say the least). But in the messiness, was beauty.

Wedding Fantasy, and Reality

I used to dream about what my wedding would be like; down to the yellow roses in my bouquet and dark grey morning coat of the groom's tuxedo. I was 12. It was fun to think about what might be. Anything and everything is possible when it's in your imagination, with only a stack of bride magazine to fuel the dream. Nothing as pesky as a budget to get in the way of that designer silk shantung gown.

It's a lot harder to make your dreams come true when faced with the limits of how much money you actually have to spend. Especially when family and friends have expectations of a huge guest list. And you don't. That's the setup for today's Boundless Answers column, Wedding Woes. The questioner writes,

We are set to get married in April 2010 but the money and family demands are driving us crazy. Initially we had agreed on a small wedding of up to 50 people, but as time went by and our families have been involved, this has grown to 200 guests and the budget is not what we can meet. We still want to honor our parents and invite all our relatives but it's becoming too expensive.

Thankfully this is both problem and opportunity with lots of room to resolve the conflict and improve the relationships. You can read my full reply here.

As for my own wedding, some of what I dreamt came true. But despite all the details that didn't match my girlhood dream -- for budget reasons, as well as changes in styles -- the real thing was much better than I had imagined. And that had everything to do with the man I married.

And you know that grey coat? It's the very one Steve picked out for his tuxedo!

An Update on the List of Thirty

One of the most encouraging inclusions in Get Married was the story about my friend Sharon's decision to ask 29 of her close friends to join her in dedicated prayer for husbands. The group of 30 agreed to begin in January of 2006. When they started, all of the women were single. Since then, I've periodically checked in with Sharon for an update on how the women are doing. And as of her latest report, sent Sunday, the list of marrieds is growing.

As for the list from what I know from people there are 15 married, 1 engaged and 4 dating. It was fun looking through the list and thinking about all the women and the vastly different stories God has written for all of us. I wish more women could see it and experience it to know there is not just one way to meet a man, that there are still amazing men out there and they are well worth the wait, even if it takes into your thirties. Oh, and there are 5 babies and 1 on the way (as far as I know).

I was encouraged by her update. I hope you will be, too!

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I used to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas like any kid, always getting mixed up about the maids-a-milking and lords-a-leaping, after the five-go-old-rings. But I never knew that the first day of Christmas is actually December 26. Till now. I've been reading (and loving) Walter Wangerin's Preparing for Jesus this Advent and Christmas season. The book has a chapter for each day of December and on into January, up until the Twelfth Day of Christmas. Today's reading was about Simeon. If you've never had something to guide you through Advent, this is a wonderful book to consider!

Thanks to the inscription on the inside flap, I know this is my fourth attempt to read the book through. And for the first time, I'm eager, and expecting, to make it to the end. It's not the book's fault, just the busyness that can sap my good intentions!

You know how it is, with all those packages to mail to out-of-town family.

Not to mention all the baking that had to happen before we could mail the packages.

Although, actually, well, ah, those cookies were the ones my sister sent to us. And so it was that we were eating the cookies we were making to send out as gifts as well as the ones we were receiving in the mail.

Somehow we did manage to get enough baking done to fill our bellies as well as those of our loved ones. This year our favorite (and most re-made) cookies were the mint chocolate ones. I was craving peppermint all month long! How about you? What was your favorite baked treat — sweet or salty — that you made or received?

When Is a Good Time to Have Kids?

Chelsey emailed us the week before her wedding. She wanted to let us know she'd read Start Your Family, and in her words,

We had been unsure about whether or not we would use birth control. I don't want to take the pill, and honestly, we didn't want to use birth control at all, but we are on a limited, though sufficient, income, and we didn't know if it was 'wise.' Your book, along with the wise counsel of our pastor, was such an encouragement.

Recently she wrote again with an update. I asked her if she'd write a version for the blog. And graciously, she agreed. Here's what she had to say,

My husband and I got married in April, almost three years to the day after we started dating. I had been 23 for a month; he was 22.

During our pre-marital counseling, our pastor reiterated what we already wanted so desperately to believe: that God is the giver of life and that whatever our best laid plans may be, He was the one who would ultimately determine when our family should start.

We had talked about wanting to have kids right away with our friends and families, but the word was almost always the same, based on our plans for the future: your early twenties is not a good time to have kids; right after marriage is a not a good time to have kids; when you’re in seminary is not a good time to have kids; when you’re on the mission field is not a good time to have kids. We were left wondering—when is a good time to have kids?

We couldn’t answer that, and neither could anyone else. So we decided that we would let God decide when was a good time for us to start having babies. It didn’t take long to find out. His good timing appears to be sometime next February, which means our ten-week-old son will be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary along with us.

Since God softened our hearts in this area, there have been times of fear and doubting. Did we make the right decision? Is everything going to turn out OK? In response to these anxieties, God has proven to be the God of Psalm 94:18-19: “When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

What have God’s consolations been for us? He provided me a job the day after we got back from our honeymoon, which has allowed us to build up our savings account. He has us in a church that values family and children. He recently gave my husband a new, better-paying job that will allow me to stay home with our little one.

I don’t know how many children God will ultimately give us, but whatever His plan, we are truly “tasting and seeing that the Lord is good” in allowing us to start our family when He did.

Congratulations Chelsey and Christian. Thank you for letting us rejoice with you!

Be Open to Opportunities

Yesterday, I mentioned the role books played in my romance with Steve. When he started talking books the first time we met, I was smitten. I love to read (mostly non-fiction), and meeting a man with a shared passion was thrilling. (Some of you may be wondering how anyone could use the words "passion," "books," and "thrilling" in the same sentence!) Thankfully, not everyone has to find books thrilling. That initial spark can be well, sparked, by all sorts of things. In the case of Kevin and Suzanne (our friends who came over last night for coffee), it was a wrist-encircling strip of leather with a few colored beads. I met Suzanne back in 2004 when I was editing Boundless. She submitted an article about surviving Christmas without the release of a new Lord of the Rings movie and when I finally got around to reading it (months after she sent it in), I liked it so much, I published it a few days later—evidence that letting email pile up unread can lead to missed opportunities!

Fast forward five years and forty-plus articles and you'll find Suzanne still writing for Boundless and helping single women have hope that God really is still in the business of making good matches. Talking with Suzanne and Kevin last night, I was reminded of God's creativity in forming new families. Their story is an encouragement to look with fresh eyes at opportunities you're tempted to write off— opportunities you may miss if you're not paying attention.

In the "Live Like You're Planning to Marry" chapter I write,

Steve looked different than the man I imagined I'd marry. When I first saw him I thought he was nice looking, but what really captured me was him. His intersts, his calling, his passion, his humor. All of him. And as we grew in friendship, I grew more attracted to his looks. (I know he'd say the same about me.)

Instead of asking, To whom as I attracted? start asking, Of my male friends, who would be a godly husband, strong partner, and good father? Thinking of men this way, yo might be surprised who captures your heart. Attraction isn't static. A man whose looks initially don't catch your eye may become a visual feast once you get to know his heart, his character, his personality. A face is just wrapping paper. You'd be a fool on Christmas day to discard gifts that had too much tape or reused bows, before you even looked to see what was inside. Sometimes the tackiest wrapping covers the best gift.

How We Met

I love hearing stories of how couples met. Whenever Steve and I host dinner parties, the question, "how did you meet?" is a staple for getting the conversation started.The answers, as varied as fingerprints, show God's creativity in bringing men and women together for marriage. Those stories renew my hope every time. God is the ultimate creative spirit; with the resources of the universe at His disposal. If ever there were a skilled matchmaker, HE IS IT!

Yesterday, as I posted an interview with Phil and Heather Joel, I was remembering their "how we met story." Phil was touring with the Newsboys and during one interview with a radio station in Kansas, he was told "there are only three mics in the studio." Since there were three Newsboys and one host, someone had to bow out. Phil did. It had everything to do with the cute receptionist out in the lobby.

Fast forward a bit and Phil is back on the road, a baggie of quarters in hand. This was pre-cell phones, people! He used the coins for payphone calls (do they even have those anymore?) to Heather. It's a great story. You can listen to the whole thing on the Boundless Show.

If you've read Get Married, you know how we met. It all started with a book. The first time Steve and I were introduced, the subject of books came up. In the course of conversation Steve mentioned he was reading Microserfs. As soon as I could—later that same day—I went and bought that book. I figured it was guaranteed conversation the next time we talked,

And we're still talking and reading books 14 years later.

We'll be asking the "how did you two meet?" question again tonight when Suzanne Hadley and her fiance Kevin come over for dessert. I'm intrigued by their story (older woman meets younger man at Starbucks) and eager to share more of it with you. Till then, you can read "A Year to Love" and be inspired by ongoing evidence of God's intimate involvement in "how we met."

And for the Bride and Groom: a Pacifier

News, and evidence, of delay abounds. People are getting married later and having babies later, as the graying moms pushing prams at the playground prove. But not everyone is following the ways of the culture around us. Our friends Ted and Ashleigh took a different path. She writes,

I grew up viewing the wedding reception as a time to celebrate a newly formed marriage, not a time to start thinking about having babies. But thanks to my dad, ours became both.

While other family members and friends toasted us with congratulations—recalling the past and wishing us the best for the future—my dad took his toast a step further. He ended with this exhortation, "And finally, I expect you to be faithful to obey the first command in all of Scripture, and that is to be fruitful and multiply." He then handed my new husband, Ted, a pacifier—a tangible reminder that in God's design marriage and children go hand in hand.

In the early months of our marriage, my mom continued where my dad left off. On a regular basis, she encouraged us not to put off having kids. As someone who had her own children early in life, she recognized the value of having children in your youth. And, since my husband was in his mid-30s, she knew the clock was already ticking for us.

My parents' encouragement, paired with our church culture where many couples where expecting babies within the first year and a half of marriage, changed my mindset. I went from believing it was good to wait several years before having kids (after all, I was still in my 20s and believed there was plenty of time for children), to being ready and willing to have them sooner. As a result, when we were surprised with pregnancy after being married only eight months, I felt ready. The news of a baby wasn't simply unexpected, but welcome.

Now six and half years after our wedding reception and my dad's toast, we're the parents of three children five years of age and younger. Each day as we look at these little faces, we are freshly grateful that we didn't put off starting our family.

Ashleigh isn't just living her convictions privately, she has a webzine dedicated to helping women at all stages of life embrace their faith and make it real in their lives. Her webzine, Ungrind, is an encouraging place with weekly articles, a blog and more.