A Military Path to Marriage

This week, Boundless editor Ted Slater had a creative idea. Rather than the typical Q&A with John Thomas (for the guys), he thought it would be creative to have John and I both weigh in on the same question. I had an immediate and strong reaction to the question when I first read it, and agreed that it would interesting to see how we might approach it differently.

Here's what our reader asked,

I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half, I'm really wanting to get married, but I haven't completed much college and I don't know exactly what I want to do for a living.

Right now I think that I want to enlist in the military. That would financially enable me to get married, and then when I came out I could go to college, and it would be all paid for. Not only that, I could serve my country!

My girlfriend doesn't want me to do this, though, because she doesn't want me to be deployed. It's not like we're engaged or married, so how much should I let her opinion weigh in on decision making? Obviously It has to, to some degree. It's not like she's giving me an ultimatium or anything. She said she would support me if I decide to do this.

Our side-by-side answers are here. I'm curious though, what would you answer?

Recent Roundup

Tuesday Candice joined radio host Debbie Chavez to talk about being single, hoping for marriage, living like you're planning to marry, and more in an interview about Get Married.

The interview was live but she's posted a link to the archive here.

Also Tuesday, Boundless ran Candice's article How to Pray for a Husband.

If you've read "Pray Boldly," this will read like a part 2. If you haven't, it's a primer on the way we approach God in our desire for marriage. Here's an excerpt:

Things may not turn out how you want. In C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Susan asked Mr. Beaver about Aslan saying, "Is he — quite safe?" Mr. Beaver replied, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." You can know that wherever your journey with Him leads, it will be good.

Believe God is able. Trust Him. But know that believing and trusting aren't the same as setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if He doesn't answer you the way you hope He will. God is calling us to faith, like Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego. (keep reading)

Suzanne Gosselin blogged about the article on theBoundless Line blog, talking about how she prayed for marriage when she was single, and how her husband prayed for her.

Monday's Q&A was in response to a question from a woman who dated a non-believer, conceived his child, had a miscarriage, and is now wondering if she needs to tell her family. That and how to move forward in a new relationship that has the potential to go to marriage. You can read the whole exchange in "Hope for a Broken Life."

EARLY Will I Seek You

"During this morning's quiet time, it dawned on me -- well before dawn -- that I've become dependent on time alone with God. And the only way I can get it is to get up early. Of course in Colorado, rising before the sun often brings the benefit of actually seeing the "purple mountains majesty." But that stunning view of Pike's Peak alone isn't enough to wake me. It's what happens when I miss that window that motivates me to roll out of bed."

I wrote that in 2006. And it's still true. Today I had to roll out of bed on Steve's side of the bed because our three-year-old was camping out on the floor beside mine, and mercifully, still asleep. He wakes up earlier than any of the other littles. 5:30 isn't unheard of.

Usually he joins me for coffee, preferring to drink the sips I've forgotten, once they're cooled. (Truth be told, it's Steve who gets up even earlier than me, and brews a pot of coffee. Not sure I'd be able to get up early without him!) He's also taken to grabbing the journal I keep for him, along with a sharpie, and scribbling on the empty pages. By now, nearly every page is full; half with my prayers for his present and future, half with his doodles. I think the doodles will mean more to me someday than any words I've written.

"Nothing gets me off to a worse start than oversleeping only to wake to the sound of kids already up and raring to go. No quiet. No alone time. And no peace. I need the daily direction I get when I spend time reading the Bible. The Psalms and Proverbs are especially helpful during this demanding season of rearing small children. Having uninterrupted time for listening for God's voice -- specifically asking Him what the priorities for the day should be -- and meditating on what He's already said to me in his Word, has become the most important thing I do each day. When I don't, I feel like a ship without a rudder and a car with no gasoline. I lack both direction and power."

I need this reminder. It seems I'm motivated to get quiet and listen in seasons. But never do I not need it. I just forget. Or get too busy. Lord, remind me.

"It really does make a difference.

"Feeding Your Soul by Jean Fleming talks about how to have a quiet time. It's a very practical handbook that ends with a prayer that includes the line, "Make me what You had in mind when You created me ..." I love that image of a blueprint for my life; of a master designer drawing up plans for what my life should be. That's not to say I always conform to the plan. And often what should be is not what is."

I love that line even more, now that we have children. I want so much for them to become the people God had in mind when He created them. There's nothing I want more.

And so I get up early again. Today and tomorrow and the next day. There's just something about early.

O God, You are my God;

Early will I seek You;

My soul thirsts for You;

My flesh longs for You

In a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water.

So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,

To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,

My lips shall praise You (Psalm 63:1-3).

Dear Overweight Woman

And you are dear. I’ve been overweight and I’ve been the ideal weight, and I know the frustration and discouragement and agony that attends the former. But do not despair. There is hope. The overweight believer has just as much reason to hope for marriage as does the physically ideal one. Why? Because God is able. And marriage is a gift from Him; not a reward for those who manage to fit the current ideal of beauty.

Your worth and value come not from a number on the scale, or even from your ability to cut calories and get yourself to a gym to shed unwanted pounds — and believe me when I say I understand how unwanted they are! Regardless of your girth, you are precious. You are valued. You are worthy, because you are the crown of creation (1 Peter 3:18). You are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26). And yet you are utterly unworthy. Apart from Christ we are all unworthy (Romans 3:23, Luke 17:10). And we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). Your sin is painfully visible. But it is not insurmountable.

You have the same access to the Risen Lord; to the One who said, “Your sins are forgiven, now go and sin no more” (John 8:11).

It won’t be easy. But the desire to please God — to honor Him with your body (1 Corinthians 6:20) — is a powerful motivator. And He will send the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to help you (John 14:16). It is possible to overcome obesity. But the goal should never be to turn a head or even snag a mate. The ultimate goal and the one that has the power to change you, is God’s glory.

I love what David Platt writes in his book, Radical, in his chapter about the disciples. What a rag-tag group they were with little to recommend them as the right men to spread the Gospel through all the earth. Yet, he writes, “This is the design of God among his people. He is giving unlikely people his power so it is clear who deserves the glory for the success that takes place.”

Is it harder to attract a man when you’re morbidly obese? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Is it just too difficult to imagine that you could lose weight and get fit? With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). And the more difficult your situation, the more glory God stands to receive when you are victorious through Him. (Two Christian women: Mandisa and Chantel Hobbs come to mind as good role models for the journey.)

Ask God to be glorified in your story. Even as you long and pray for a husband. Ask Him to help you lose weight, to guide you to people and plans that can help you develop a healthy lifestyle. And ask Him to write the story of your life in such a way that when you tell it, you will be able to make much of Him! I am praying for you.

How Important is Chemistry in Dating?

"I've been dating this guy (pre-med, kind of nerdy, logical, strategic type of guy) for two years. He is smart, consistent, predictable, and incredibly faithful. He wants to honor me, provide for me, and marry me. He has been very intentional with my parents and with his desire to love and cherish only me. I love him very much, but we do not have the same "chemistry" that I shared with my last boyfriend. We have problems and have to work through them. We disagree on things and have to compromise. There is no "magic" and I feel I could logically live without him if we broke up.

"I just saw my old boyfriend again this week and was reminded again how strong the chemistry is between us. I miss the life, excitement, and passion of the first guy, but obviously he is not the right mate for me. I have a logical love for the second guy, but can I marry him knowing that we do not have a similar connection?

"My mom thinks that I should not dismiss chemistry and should seriously consider not marrying the second guy because I do not have the same connection. I don't want to go through life thinking about what I might have had if I had waited it out for a better connection. But I also don't want to pass up a great guy who adores me and wants to marry me and make me happy."

That's the question on today's Boundless Answers. What would you say? Here's how I answered.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, it's ... Six Planes, Actually

It was a warm, windy day with clear blue skies.

The perfect sort of day for looking up. (Even better with a hand full of chips.)

What were we watching?

The United States Air Force Thunderbirds!

Okay, that last image wasn't mine. I was shooting with an up close lens. Here's the shot I got with my camera.

You can kind of see the planes if you look really closely.

Every May, the Thunderbirds fly over the Air Force Academy at the precise moment the graduates toss their hats in the air. It's a stunning show from within the stadium. But even from miles away, it's quite a show.

And a LOUD reminder of the price the men and women in our armed forces pay to protect us. We are grateful. Thank you.

Behind the Scenes of the Boundless webcast

Last week the Boundless team pulled together their first-ever live webcast. The goal: to raise money for the ministry of Boundless. The means: amazing real-time technology. The result: a powerful look at the "life-on-life" ministries of Focus on the Family, including their Wait No More initiative to place foster kids in forever-families, Adventures in Odyssey, Screwtape Letters audio drama featuring Andy Serkis (voice of Gollum in LOTR) and a lightning-fast round of Q&As with yours truly. When I wasn't in front of the camera answering as many questions as I could in five minutes, I was behind my own Canon, snapping photos. Here are a few of my favorites.

If you missed the show, it's not too late. To watch the Q&As, just scroll ahead to minute 43:53.

I hope you'll consider making a donation!

Thanks for watching.

Boundless webzine's LIVE webcast

Yesterday Steve and I were part of the first-ever LIVE webcast from Boundless.org. What fun it was to be a part of the production. And it was some production! I didn't know you could fit that many talented people into one control room. The team behind the scenes did an amazing job of getting all the film clips, mics, people, cameras, and more coordinated. I'm not sure I've ever seen anything quite like it.

Unless, of course, you include the production that is getting dinner on the table in our kitchen every night!

Here it is, archived. The whole show. Steve is in the opening segment, with host Lisa Anderson (you may recognize her from the Boundless Show podcast). My contribution is at the end. We wanted to mix it up a bit from what I typically do in the Q&A online and for the podcast. So we landed on a lightning fast round of answering questions from Boundless readers. I think we squeezed in 25 questions in about five minutes. It begins at minute 43:53.

Enjoy! And if you're as moved as we were by the film clips and conversations about the "life-on-life" ministry going on through Focus on the Family, I hope you'll consider making a donation!

Thanks for watching.

Spring is Finally Here

Mere days separate us from the freezing temperatures that brought us hail and ice as recently as two weeks ago. But it does seem that spring has finally sprung here in Colorado.

Along with these dandies.

Which aren't really dandy after all.

Unless they're sitting in a vase by the window. Handpicked and delivered with a crooked smile and lots of love.

Spring's the perfect time to remember we're raising kids. Not grass.

How Kids See Things

Our recent trip to the zoo was a good place to see the wonder we've been missing.

Keep reading ...

Love in Any Language

Most women want to marry well. It's not just an American thing. That's why I'm super excited by this.

Can you tell what it is?

Here's another hint.

Got it?

No?

OK, how about this?

The cover's the real giveaway!

Now you know. Get Married has been published in Chinese! Thanks to Campus Crusade for Christ, Taiwan, the message of being intentional about marrying well for God's glory is now available in another language, across the sea!

The Pill Turns 50--Who's Celebrating?

I wrote a blog post on Boundless about the 50th anniversary of the introduction of The Pill, and specifically, Dr. Albert Mohler's commentary about it. In "I Think I'll Skip the Party," I quoted Mohler's commentary. He said,

The idea that sex would be severed from childbearing is a very modern concept — and a concept made meaningful only by the development of the Pill and its successor birth control technologies. The severing of this relationship represents a quantum change in human life and relationships, not to mention morality.

Nancy Gibbs [in TIME magazine] is fair and accurate in her use of my words and arguments. I do indeed believe that the development of the Pill “has done more to reorder human life than any event since Adam and Eve ate the apple.” Why? Because sex, sexuality, and reproduction are so central to human life, to marriage, and to the future of humanity.

The Pill turned pregnancy — and thus children — into elective choices, rather than natural gifts of the marital union. But then again, the marital union was itself weakened by the Pill, because the avoidance of pregnancy facilitated adultery and other forms of non-marital sex. In some hands, the Pill became a human pesticide.

The post, and his commentary, are stirring up a hearty debate — 155 comments and counting. If you're up for a good conversation, and especially if you have thoughts about the pros and cons of hormonal birth control, please join the discussion here.

Photography Lessons

When I'm not answering questions for Boundless, running sorties to the library, washing clothes or wiping noses, I love taking photographs. This semester, I had the added pleasure of teaching two students some photo basics for our homeschool co-op. Today, we're pulling together some of our favorite shots for an end-of-year presentation. Following are Becca's faves from our colors and patterns lesson.

Now for her best black and whites.

Through the Eyes of a Child

One of the benefits of having children is the way they help us see the world from a fresh perspective. Things we've seen so many times that we no longer really see them, are often a first for them. It's delightful share in their wonder. That was certainly the case on Sunday when we took a family trip to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo.

"Get Married Young" Week

That's what it looks like over on Boundless. Yesterday I answered a question from a Mom writing on behalf of her daughter who's 20. She's seriously dating a man 22 and they want to get married. Soon. Foolish, right? It's depends on who you ask. I wrote,

Despite a long history of young people getting married and having children during their prime season of fertility, conventional wisdom at this minute seems bent on the notion that the longer you wait to get married, the more prepared, self-aware, and divorce-proof you'll be.

Is such wisdom true?

A number of insightful articles and even a book have been released very recently that dispel those myths. There is nothing magical about the passage of time that makes you better prepared to get, or be, married. An intentional 20-year-old can be more ready to wed than a 30-year-old who's simply let time go by with no thought to becoming one in marriage. And it's often those who've walked away from an early proposal who are disappointed and frustrated that another (or a better one) hasn't materialized later on.

Age at first marriage matters. But it's not everything. And its effect is often overstated, or misconstrued. (You can read the full article here.)

Also on Boundless today is a 2-part article by Heather Koerner. In "I Got Married Young," she ponders (along with her husband Kevin) if they should have gotten married even earlier than they did.

Kevin thinks so.

"Do you think we should have gotten married younger?" [She asked him.]

"Absolutely," he called back, head still buried in the fridge.

"Really?" I was a little surprised by the quick confidence of his answer. In over a decade of marriage, I couldn't remember us ever discussing this before.

He took a break from his snack searching and turned around to where I was snuggled in with my laptop. "Well, of course," he repeated, "don't you?" [keep reading]

It's a good time to rethink our assumptions about age of first marriage. With so much data now showing the benefits of not waiting, we're free to be about forming families for God's glory sooner rather than later.