Babies, Keep 'Em Coming
A few days ago I tweeted about Yitta Schwartz, a Holocaust survivor who had 16 children, and as the New York Times tribute put it, put her "thumb in the eye of the Nazis." How? By leaving behind 2,000 descendants when she died at 93. 2,000!
By virtue of saying yes to the blessing of children, she "may have generated one of the largest clans of of any survivor of the Holocaust."
I think she's a hero. Not everyone does. Someone commented on my tweet with, "Most people don't believe having 2000 living descendents at the time of your death is a good thing. We're not rats & cats."
I'm not surprised by such sentiments, just saddened. In our anti-natalist culture, it's tempting to look at babies as consequences to be avoided. But that's not how God sees them. Psalm 127:3-5 says,
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
It's not easy having a lot of kids. We just got back from a long visit with family where 10 of the 12 cousins were all together. It was busy, and noisy, and not always easily managed (to say the least). But in the messiness, was beauty.
Get married
Getting married is more than a lifestyle option or just something that would be "nice if it happens." Not only is marriage good and natural to want, it's what most of us are called to pursue. That's the message of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen.
There's a difference between making it happen and helping it happen. This isn't a book about desperation or the hyper activity of joining every dating service and singles group. It's not about making cold calls or tackling a list of 100 tips for meeting hot men.
Get Married is about living like you're planning to marry. It presents a lifestyle that esteems marriage, encourages men, empowers women, and embraces Christian community and a biblical understanding of what marriage is for. Most importantly, it shows women that marriage is a worthy goal that's within their grasp.
You can be content with where you are today and still desire marriage in a way that honors God. And there are things you can do to help it happen.
See all posts related to getting married.
ENDORSEMENTS
Candice Watters offers genuine help to Christians thinking about marriage, adulthood, and God's purpose for humanity.
R. Albert Mohler Jr., from the Foreword
A hopeful and empowering message for Christian women.
Danielle Crittenden, Author, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman
Get Married is forceful, persuasive, and a must-read for today's Christian single.
Gary Thomas, Author, Sacred Marriage
Get Married not only brings healing and renewal to the Christian single confused by scriptural misinterpretation, it offers them practical advice to get to the altar.
Debbie Maken, Author, Getting Serious about Getting Married
WHAT READERS ARE SAYING
After reading your book, I finally had a breakthrough! I realized that it was not wrong for me to desire marriage, and that marriage is the normal state for most people. Your book also gave me great hope that I can do more than just pray, and not be too forward. For once in my life, I actually was hearing encouragement rather than discouragement about my desire to get married! It was truly a breath of fresh air! --Molly
Thank you for writing Get Married. I Kissed Dating Goodbye-type messages were appropriate for me at 15 and 16, but at 23-years-old this is exactly what I (and other single women) need to hear. The applicable and practical advice of appropriately balancing God's role and our role in marrying well was fabulous. Thank you! --Emily
I just finished reading your awesome book. It was inspiring and enlightening to read, even the sections directed primarily toward women. It helped me have a better appreciation of what my Christian sisters go through. --Jeremy
I received your book as a 31st birthday present from my younger sister. I found it very encouraging, as well as practical. About a year ago, I felt prompted to make my future marriage a matter of daily prayer, and your book strengthened me in this resolve. Your writing has also encouraged me to be more open to set-ups or other unexpected avenues that God might want to use.
I liked the book so much, I lent it to my parents, who married early, and aren't sure how to encourage me in my prolonged singleness. They say little, but pray a lot. I think it's safe to say that they're suffering right along with me, and my four unmarried younger sisters. Since they read the book, I've already noticed more hope in our conversations on the subject, and I think they are praying with renewed faith. My dad really appreciated your lucid explanation of the fact that God calls most people to marriage. He said that everybody should read it, and even recommended it to our pastor. --Elisabeth
Ready to start the journey? Read the excerpt that follows, then order the book.
EXCERPT: "Marriage is Good"
You may have a hunch it's not as easy to get married as it once was. If so, you're right. Since 1970, the marriage rate has declined 50 percent. In that time, the proportion of American women ages 25–29 who have not married has quadrupled. Currently the average age of first marriages is 26 for women, 27 for men — as old as it's ever been. Conventional wisdom says later marriage means the bride and groom will be more prepared for the responsibilities of marriage, but many women are ready now. And they're frustrated by the delay. Sociologists blame the delay on the additional educational and career development necessary to marry well. Add to that the confusion over gender roles, cultural worship of youth, the lack of biblical literacy, uninvolved parents and extended family, the fallout from divorce, disengaged social circles, and an often silent church and you have the makings for much uncertainty. Women are left wondering, what's the best path to marriage?
... If in the midst of these cultural realities, "just pray and wait" sentiments leave you depressed, I think you'll be encouraged by the message of this book: there's something you can do.
Whether you're wondering if you'll ever get a date, stuck in a "just-friends" relationship or worried that the guy you've been seeing forever will never move toward marriage, this book offers help. It's for all the women who long for marriage but are afraid to admit it; embarrassed by their deepest desires or concerned that maybe they want it too much. It's for the parents of single women who wonder if there's anything they can do. And it's for married friends of singles who want to help but don't want to intrude.
This is not another book about seeking fulfillment in your singleness. As beings created in God's image; we were designed for relationship — that's why extended singleness leaves so many women discontent. It's also why we should be intentional about finding fulfillment in marriage. Getting married isn't just something that's "nice if it happens." It's what most of us are called to pursue.
Pursue, but not dominate. I'm not advocating getting married at all costs. But marrying well, for God's glory, is a worthy pursuit. There's a difference between making it happen and helping it happen. I'm not going to parrot the "girl-power," feminist worldview. Men have a key role to play. And how the single women they know relate to them has everything to do with their momentum toward marriage. This isn't a book about desperation or the hyper activity of joining every dating service and singles group. You won't find a list of 100 tips for meeting a hot man or five things you can do today to help you get married tomorrow.
What you will find is a way to live like you're planning to marry. Not just having a hope chest — but cultivating a lifestyle that is consistent with the season of marriage ahead. A life that's in harmony with God's work on your behalf. A life that nurtures men and the community around you to play their role so that you don't have to carry it all. Finally, you'll find in the context of this marriage-minded lifestyle a new confidence to pray like you never have — trusting that marriage is a goal within your grasp. You can risk hoping that you will get married. You really can help it happen.
Ready to learn how? Order now.
Taken from Get Married, Moody Publishers, © 2008 by Candice Watters.
Start your family
Starting a family is a soul-shaping, world-altering experience. Unfortunately, in a culture of competing values and protracted timelines, couples are increasingly backing their way into parenting or missing it altogether. By the time the average couple tries to have kids, they are often beyond their late twenties and surprised to learn they are sliding past the peak of their fertile years. In our book Start Your Family, we encourage couples to be intentional about their timeline in the early years of marriage and to trust God to help them boldly launch their families. Responding to the most common doubts and hurdles, we offer biblical inspiration for the questions, "Why have kids?," "When is the best time to start?" and "How can we fit kids into our lives?"
See all our blog posts on starting a family.
EXCERPTS
Why Have Kids?
We of the Xer generations and following stop to ask, “Why?” We don’t just do things out of tradition or expectation. We don’t just have kids because that’s what’s expected or because it’s what our parents did. We’ve moved beyond that. We have kids as a statement, as a lifestyle choice. But the choice to have children now sits on a shelf in a growing supermarket of options leaving couples asking why that choice would be better than any other. More
When's the Right Time to Start our Family?
Most couples have some kind of timeline in mind for when it feels right to have a baby. Maybe it’s vague, maybe you haven’t talked it through as a couple to land on a precise target, but you likely have a sense of what you think needs to happen first and what conditions you think would be optimal for a good start. More
How Can We Fit Kids Into Our Lives?
Having a vision for why and when to start a family can give you new momentum, but you’ll need all the extra motivation you can find once you start thinking through the logistics, the how. This is the place where the things that might be stirring in your heart meet the practical questions from your head: “How can we afford this?” “How will this affect our work?” “How are we going to manage all the care a baby will need?” “How do we prepare a home for a baby?” More
REVIEWS
"Snuggling the Stork" in Christianity Today's Books and Culture, by Jenny Schroedel, author of Naming the Child
The Watters suggest that you don't have to have a water-tight plan or the funds for a Pottery Barn Nursery to begin the process of conception. Just begin. Begin where you are, Begin with hope: that's the message. Start Your Family is not a pregnancy manual or a preconception checkbook. It is a guide through the emotional, financial, and spiritual geography surrounding the choice to procreate. The Watters talk about the choices they wish they'd made differently as well the struggles and joys they experience daily as the parents of four children. (keep reading)
Review by Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something
Start Your Family is a surprisingly good book. I say surprisingly not because I expected a bad book, but because I expected an overly-sentimental, "children are so awesome", lightweight kind of book. But this book is much better than that.
Review by Carolyn McCulley, author of Radical Womanhood
It's an engaging book, easy to read, and persuasive in its arguments. The foundation of the book is the idea that being intentional about starting a family is a good and godly thing. But because in the last half century, "choice has grown into one of our greatest commodities," many young couples see having children as a lifestyle choice and fail to understand the biblical reasons for having children.
Order your copy here.
ENDORSEMENTS
The appearance of Steve and Candice Watters' START YOUR FAMILY is a joyous event. They understand that God was serious in commanding the newly created man and woman to "be fruitful and multiply." The Watters correctly argue that starting a family remains "a soul-shaping, world altering experience." As Martin Luther once put it, the adventure of producing and bringing up children "is a kind of faint image...of that blessed living together" in Eden, a chance to participate in "the greatest work of God." Ably written and offering both practical advice and spiritual encouragement, START YOUR FAMILY should be read by every Christian couple entering into marriage or considering whether to start a family or have another child. —Allan Carlson, President, The Howard Center for Family, Religion and Society
This book is astutely wise. It cuts against the grain of weak and fearful thinking. It will startle you and free you to trust God with your family and your future. That's when you find what real life is all about. You can never afford to have kids--so why not trust God and get started?—Steve and Mary Farrar, authors of Point Man and King Me (Steve) andReading Your Male (Mary)
A remarkable, go-against-the-grain book, with wisdom, practical advice and biblical application bounding from every page. The Watters have written an emotionally aware and intellectually astute book that is as sensitive as it is compelling.—Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting
Just like "in the beginning," the family today is at the center of a great spiritual battle. Start Your Family will certainly inspire couples to reclaim the blessing of children and, through that, build a true culture of life.—Christopher West, fellow, Theology of the Body Institute, and author of The Love That Satisfies and Good News about Sex and Marriage
Wedding Fantasy, and Reality
I used to dream about what my wedding would be like; down to the yellow roses in my bouquet and dark grey morning coat of the groom's tuxedo. I was 12. It was fun to think about what might be. Anything and everything is possible when it's in your imagination, with only a stack of bride magazine to fuel the dream. Nothing as pesky as a budget to get in the way of that designer silk shantung gown.
It's a lot harder to make your dreams come true when faced with the limits of how much money you actually have to spend. Especially when family and friends have expectations of a huge guest list. And you don't. That's the setup for today's Boundless Answers column, Wedding Woes. The questioner writes,
We are set to get married in April 2010 but the money and family demands are driving us crazy. Initially we had agreed on a small wedding of up to 50 people, but as time went by and our families have been involved, this has grown to 200 guests and the budget is not what we can meet. We still want to honor our parents and invite all our relatives but it's becoming too expensive.
Thankfully this is both problem and opportunity with lots of room to resolve the conflict and improve the relationships. You can read my full reply here.
As for my own wedding, some of what I dreamt came true. But despite all the details that didn't match my girlhood dream -- for budget reasons, as well as changes in styles -- the real thing was much better than I had imagined. And that had everything to do with the man I married.
And you know that grey coat? It's the very one Steve picked out for his tuxedo!
An Update on the List of Thirty
One of the most encouraging inclusions in Get Married was the story about my friend Sharon's decision to ask 29 of her close friends to join her in dedicated prayer for husbands. The group of 30 agreed to begin in January of 2006. When they started, all of the women were single. Since then, I've periodically checked in with Sharon for an update on how the women are doing. And as of her latest report, sent Sunday, the list of marrieds is growing.
As for the list from what I know from people there are 15 married, 1 engaged and 4 dating. It was fun looking through the list and thinking about all the women and the vastly different stories God has written for all of us. I wish more women could see it and experience it to know there is not just one way to meet a man, that there are still amazing men out there and they are well worth the wait, even if it takes into your thirties. Oh, and there are 5 babies and 1 on the way (as far as I know).
I was encouraged by her update. I hope you will be, too!
Embrace the New Year, Not Your Dance Partner
I love January! I know it's reputedly the time of year when depression is up and cheer is down, but I get giddy thinking about a clean slate and all the new things we're going to try, books we're going to read, experiences we're going to have, relationships we're going to improve, and closets we're going to clean! Not to mention my new pack of Sharpies!
How about you? Do you like planning for the year ahead with long to-do lists, resolutions, or some other system? Or are you a more happy-go-lucky, live-life-as-it-comes-at-you-sort-of-person? You can weigh in here or join the conversation going on over on the Boundless Line.
Speaking of Boundless, today's Q&A is from a woman who loves to dance. Or more accurately, of late she loves being single so she can be sassy with her male friends on and off the dance floor. But that's not something she's particularly proud of. What should she do?
In part, I suggest she take a permanent break from that sort of dancing. I write,
But certain kinds of dancing just make sin so tempting, and easy. The music, the movement, the dark lights, and before you know it, you're acting married, or nearly so — doing things that married couples do in private — with a man who isn't your husband. (And from my experiences with college dances, when the lights go up and you're back in real life, you realize how little you'd want to be married to that man you were so hot and heavy with on the dance floor!)
You can read the whole article, Dirty Dancing, here. Just curious — what advice would you have given?
The Fifth Day of Christmas
I used to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas like any kid, always getting mixed up about the maids-a-milking and lords-a-leaping, after the five-go-old-rings. But I never knew that the first day of Christmas is actually December 26. Till now. I've been reading (and loving) Walter Wangerin's Preparing for Jesus this Advent and Christmas season. The book has a chapter for each day of December and on into January, up until the Twelfth Day of Christmas. Today's reading was about Simeon. If you've never had something to guide you through Advent, this is a wonderful book to consider!
Thanks to the inscription on the inside flap, I know this is my fourth attempt to read the book through. And for the first time, I'm eager, and expecting, to make it to the end. It's not the book's fault, just the busyness that can sap my good intentions!
You know how it is, with all those packages to mail to out-of-town family.
Not to mention all the baking that had to happen before we could mail the packages.
Although, actually, well, ah, those cookies were the ones my sister sent to us. And so it was that we were eating the cookies we were making to send out as gifts as well as the ones we were receiving in the mail.
Somehow we did manage to get enough baking done to fill our bellies as well as those of our loved ones. This year our favorite (and most re-made) cookies were the mint chocolate ones. I was craving peppermint all month long! How about you? What was your favorite baked treat — sweet or salty — that you made or received?
Two Questions, One Party and the Perfect Appetizer
Today's Boundless Answers is for everyone who's dated an adult convert with a bit of an, ahem, past. The questioner writes,
...he's only been saved and living for the Lord for the past several years. He was never completely crazy before that, but he did have a reputation as somewhat of a partier and for always being with a different girl. He's completely changed since then, and as I've only known him for about a year, almost all that I know about him back then is through him. I trust him implicitly and know he's been completely honest about everything.My problem lies with friends of mine (and my family) who knew him back in the day but haven't since he's changed. They hear we're dating and automatically see it as a problem because of what they knew him as. ...I just don't know how to handle or respond to comments or assumptions made by well-meaning people who don't know better. Especially when it's people whom I respect.
To read my reply, go to "But He's Changed."
In the latest podcast "Wishin' and Hopin' and Being Intentional," we answer another question about dating. This one's from a woman who's wondering how much time she needs to spend getting to know a man before she starts dating him. The key is how you spend your time together rather than how much time you spend.
We're always looking for good inbox questions for the show. If you have one, please email it to Ted at editor@boundless.org. If you act fast, there's still time to be featured on our 100th episode, coming up in just two weeks!
Friday's Boundless party was a hit. Especially Lisa's cheese dip. Ever since I started making hummus (and semi-homemade pita crisps) in my 20s, it's been my go-to appetizer.
Being the perfect starter, I figured why branch out? But Lisa's cheese dip is a close second. Maybe you have a recipe you'd like to place in the running?
December Decisions
Bake cookies for Friday's Boundless staff party, start browsing websites for gifts, make paper crafts, there's so much I love doing to get ready for Christmas that sometimes it's hard to choose! Since today is the deadline for Shutterfly's sale offerings, I think I'll focus on finishing up some photo gifts I started. Here's a screen capture of the September page of the calendar I'm making for Steve's Grandma.
In addition to making Christmas cards, calendars and photo books, I sometimes make homemade hot fudge and bake bread as gifts.
What are you busy with in these early December days? Do you have any suggestions for homemade gifts?
Cake
Of Teddy's first taste of chocolate.
And the response, though tepid at first, was unequivocally YUM!
A Higher Standard
It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless. Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,
Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?
Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.
What do you think?
Is there anything good about waiting?
If you haven't already seen it, I have a new article over on Boundless today that begins:
"Recently a local church e-mailed me with an invitation to speak about waiting on God for a husband. I wondered if they had the right person.
"With a book title like Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I'm not exactly known for messages about waiting. Having spent so much of the past few years writing about all the ways we can delay marriage—to our disappointment and frustration—I wasn't sure I had much to say about waiting in a positive light. Is there anything good about waiting for marriage?"
That's the question I pose to myself in today's column, "It's Good to Wait." You can read the whole thing here.
Everyone Has a Role to Play
The third and final part of my conversation with Carolyn McCulley, Dr. Dobson and John Fuller about being single and hoping for marriage is airing today on Focus on the Family. Today we talk about the many roles to be played—by God, parents, women, men, churches, etc.—on the way to marriage. We also talk about the pain, frustration and possible redemption of being single longer than expected.
Carolyn has this to say about it on her blog:
As Dr. Grudem said on Sunday morning at my church, he doesn't know anyone over 50 who has not had a significant trial or affliction. If you live long enough, you will encounter difficulty because it's what happens in a fallen world. But this is not the end of the story. Not only will we experience God's redemptive activity in this life, we have the promise of sin-free, pain-free life everlasting with Him in eternity. So if I am called by God to glorify Him as a single woman, even though I desire marriage, I know He is not wasting that desire or my small sacrifice in the years I have lived in that tension. He is weaving that into His plan to rescue, redeem, and reclaim His children.
And that's my confidence in extended singleness.
In case you missed any of the shows, you can listen to all three days worth of conversations with this crew here (look for the links in the list of "Recent broadcasts").
Big Monday
Today is big. Not only is the sun back out, melting the ice from our still-vibrant autumn trees, but also Focus on the Family is airing the first of three days of broadcasts just for single women. Last spring Carolyn McCulley, John Fuller, Dr. Dobson and I met in the studio to talk about hope for marriage and practical ways women can help the process. And to try to explain Twitter to Dr. Dobson. True.
Today, the recordings are on air and online. (Though being on the show is still short of my life goal to have Dr. Dobson over for dinner. Maybe this is better.)