A Military Path to Marriage

This week, Boundless editor Ted Slater had a creative idea. Rather than the typical Q&A with John Thomas (for the guys), he thought it would be creative to have John and I both weigh in on the same question. I had an immediate and strong reaction to the question when I first read it, and agreed that it would interesting to see how we might approach it differently.

Here's what our reader asked,

I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and a half, I'm really wanting to get married, but I haven't completed much college and I don't know exactly what I want to do for a living.

Right now I think that I want to enlist in the military. That would financially enable me to get married, and then when I came out I could go to college, and it would be all paid for. Not only that, I could serve my country!

My girlfriend doesn't want me to do this, though, because she doesn't want me to be deployed. It's not like we're engaged or married, so how much should I let her opinion weigh in on decision making? Obviously It has to, to some degree. It's not like she's giving me an ultimatium or anything. She said she would support me if I decide to do this.

Our side-by-side answers are here. I'm curious though, what would you answer?

Recent Roundup

Tuesday Candice joined radio host Debbie Chavez to talk about being single, hoping for marriage, living like you're planning to marry, and more in an interview about Get Married.

The interview was live but she's posted a link to the archive here.

Also Tuesday, Boundless ran Candice's article How to Pray for a Husband.

If you've read "Pray Boldly," this will read like a part 2. If you haven't, it's a primer on the way we approach God in our desire for marriage. Here's an excerpt:

Things may not turn out how you want. In C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Susan asked Mr. Beaver about Aslan saying, "Is he — quite safe?" Mr. Beaver replied, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." You can know that wherever your journey with Him leads, it will be good.

Believe God is able. Trust Him. But know that believing and trusting aren't the same as setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if He doesn't answer you the way you hope He will. God is calling us to faith, like Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego. (keep reading)

Suzanne Gosselin blogged about the article on theBoundless Line blog, talking about how she prayed for marriage when she was single, and how her husband prayed for her.

Monday's Q&A was in response to a question from a woman who dated a non-believer, conceived his child, had a miscarriage, and is now wondering if she needs to tell her family. That and how to move forward in a new relationship that has the potential to go to marriage. You can read the whole exchange in "Hope for a Broken Life."

How Important is Chemistry in Dating?

"I've been dating this guy (pre-med, kind of nerdy, logical, strategic type of guy) for two years. He is smart, consistent, predictable, and incredibly faithful. He wants to honor me, provide for me, and marry me. He has been very intentional with my parents and with his desire to love and cherish only me. I love him very much, but we do not have the same "chemistry" that I shared with my last boyfriend. We have problems and have to work through them. We disagree on things and have to compromise. There is no "magic" and I feel I could logically live without him if we broke up.

"I just saw my old boyfriend again this week and was reminded again how strong the chemistry is between us. I miss the life, excitement, and passion of the first guy, but obviously he is not the right mate for me. I have a logical love for the second guy, but can I marry him knowing that we do not have a similar connection?

"My mom thinks that I should not dismiss chemistry and should seriously consider not marrying the second guy because I do not have the same connection. I don't want to go through life thinking about what I might have had if I had waited it out for a better connection. But I also don't want to pass up a great guy who adores me and wants to marry me and make me happy."

That's the question on today's Boundless Answers. What would you say? Here's how I answered.

Behind the Scenes of the Boundless webcast

Last week the Boundless team pulled together their first-ever live webcast. The goal: to raise money for the ministry of Boundless. The means: amazing real-time technology. The result: a powerful look at the "life-on-life" ministries of Focus on the Family, including their Wait No More initiative to place foster kids in forever-families, Adventures in Odyssey, Screwtape Letters audio drama featuring Andy Serkis (voice of Gollum in LOTR) and a lightning-fast round of Q&As with yours truly. When I wasn't in front of the camera answering as many questions as I could in five minutes, I was behind my own Canon, snapping photos. Here are a few of my favorites.

If you missed the show, it's not too late. To watch the Q&As, just scroll ahead to minute 43:53.

I hope you'll consider making a donation!

Thanks for watching.

Embrace the New Year, Not Your Dance Partner

I love January! I know it's reputedly the time of year when depression is up and cheer is down, but I get giddy thinking about a clean slate and all the new things we're going to try, books we're going to read, experiences we're going to have, relationships we're going to improve, and closets we're going to clean! Not to mention my new pack of Sharpies!

How about you? Do you like planning for the year ahead with long to-do lists, resolutions, or some other system? Or are you a more happy-go-lucky, live-life-as-it-comes-at-you-sort-of-person? You can weigh in here or join the conversation going on over on the Boundless Line.

Speaking of Boundless, today's Q&A is from a woman who loves to dance. Or more accurately, of late she loves being single so she can be sassy with her male friends on and off the dance floor. But that's not something she's particularly proud of. What should she do?

In part, I suggest she take a permanent break from that sort of dancing. I write,

But certain kinds of dancing just make sin so tempting, and easy. The music, the movement, the dark lights, and before you know it, you're acting married, or nearly so — doing things that married couples do in private — with a man who isn't your husband. (And from my experiences with college dances, when the lights go up and you're back in real life, you realize how little you'd want to be married to that man you were so hot and heavy with on the dance floor!)

You can read the whole article, Dirty Dancing, here. Just curious — what advice would you have given?

Two Questions, One Party and the Perfect Appetizer

Today's Boundless Answers is for everyone who's dated an adult convert with a bit of an, ahem, past. The questioner writes,

...he's only been saved and living for the Lord for the past several years. He was never completely crazy before that, but he did have a reputation as somewhat of a partier and for always being with a different girl. He's completely changed since then, and as I've only known him for about a year, almost all that I know about him back then is through him. I trust him implicitly and know he's been completely honest about everything.

My problem lies with friends of mine (and my family) who knew him back in the day but haven't since he's changed. They hear we're dating and automatically see it as a problem because of what they knew him as. ...I just don't know how to handle or respond to comments or assumptions made by well-meaning people who don't know better. Especially when it's people whom I respect.

To read my reply, go to "But He's Changed."

In the latest podcast "Wishin' and Hopin' and Being Intentional," we answer another question about dating. This one's from a woman who's wondering how much time she needs to spend getting to know a man before she starts dating him. The key is how you spend your time together rather than how much time you spend.

We're always looking for good inbox questions for the show. If you have one, please email it to Ted at editor@boundless.org. If you act fast, there's still time to be featured on our 100th episode, coming up in just two weeks!

Friday's Boundless party was a hit. Especially Lisa's cheese dip. Ever since I started making hummus (and semi-homemade pita crisps) in my 20s, it's been my go-to appetizer.

Being the perfect starter, I figured why branch out? But Lisa's cheese dip is a close second. Maybe you have a recipe you'd like to place in the running?

A Higher Standard

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless. Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,

Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?

Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.

What do you think?

Is She Still a Virgin?

A few weeks ago a reader emailed to ask if she could still call herself a virgin. She wrote,

I have not had actual sexual intercourse. However, I have committed sexual sin in my past (I have turned away from it now). The worst of that sexual sin being what I suppose they call "dry sex" (I assume you know what that entails).

The crux of her question: "would I be lying if I still call myself a virgin?"

Though I do answer that in today's Q&A Stop and Start—along with a look at how the enemy uses guilt to keep us sinning, and a reminder of the totality of God's forgiveness—I also toss back my own question in the process. What I want to know is,

Why just stop having dry-sex? Why not also get married and have real, God-ordained, wonderful, married sex? You've got a man you like enough to fool around with. Do you like him enough to marry him?

Read the whole conversation and send your own hard questions for future columns here.

What About Weight?

Am I too fat to attract a husband? If I lose weight, will men notice me? What if I can't lose weight; am I doomed to life long singleness?

These are a sample of the body questions that seem to occupy the most-often-asked category on Boundless and Women Praying Boldly. I suspect in another era, that honor would have gone to the dowry question: Will my three cows be enough to attract a man? What if father's barn burns again; will my fiance still want me? Will my brothers getting all the wealth make me a spinster?

Thankfully our weight is (a bit) easier to adjust than the count of cattle. But I think it's harder to be single and heavy because it's so personal; so close to our identity. And in our culture, it's easy to assume that a few extra pounds equals no dates. But is it true?

In today's question, one woman writes,

I have struggled with my weight my whole life — losing weight and gaining it back. It has wreaked havoc on my body in the way of sagging skin that cannot be fixed except for surgery. I have always been overweight and despite my efforts to lose weight, I never did reach a healthy weight range according to the Body Mass Index. I try to take care of my body and watch what I'm eating as best as I can but it seems that I will always be overweight and certainly my body will always bear the effects of being overweight.

To which I say,

Does it help to be beautiful and thin when you're hoping to attract a husband? It doesn't hurt. But thankfully, mercifully, it's not essential. And I have many beautiful, thin friends who are still single and wondering, like you, if there's something about them that's keeping them that way.

As God's creation, you are His workmanship. You are beautiful, already. It's just that our culture has twisted the meaning of that word. Getting married isn't about "looking good enough," it's about being fully who God made you to be.

You can read her letter and my complete response in "Can Fat Women Get Married?"

Navigating Long Distance Love

On today's Boundless Show the inbox question is from a woman whose friend has set her up with "the perfect man for her." They've started emailing. But she still has a year left on the mission field before coming back to the States. How should she move forward? But that's not all. Presidential impersonator John Morgan has this to say to "Generation Z":

Fun stuff. I didn't hear the conversation about keeping TV from overtaking the better parts of your life but Ashley's description is intriguing:

I don't have a TV in my apartment for the same reason I don't keep ice cream in the fridge: lack of self-control.

I know that when I'm bored or lonely I gravitate toward things that are easy and will let me shut my brain off. Usually food or television. And that kind of eating or watching leaves me feeling guilty and gross.

You can listen to her solution, along with Steve's insights about how we handle the TV question, and my answer to that inbox question on iTunes or at Boundless.

I'd love to hear from you: do you have a TV in your family room? Do you watch? What are your TV confessions?

The Pros and Cons of Friendship

Friendship is a good starting point for a great marriage. Friendship can be the very thing that keeps you from marriage. Surprisingly, both of those statements are true. Or can be. The challenge with male friends is knowing which sort of friendship you're in.

Recently I answered a question from a woman who was frustrated that her male friendships hadn't led to something more and that her emotions were keeping her from be happy with "just friends" when she really wanted more.

Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more—especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic)—then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.

What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.

How can you know if your friendship is full of potential or potentially poisoning? For starters, check out this handy DTR (define the relationship) assessment from Boundless. It's free and takes just a few minutes. You can also read the rest of my answer to the friends question in "The Poison in Just Friends."

What's your experience with guy friendships? Do you have a promising outcome? We'd love to hear about it!

When Disobedience Equals Honor

When I was growing up, my parents were pretty strict. I was OK with their rules most of the time and didn't feel the need to rebel against them, but it wasn't until after I grew up and left their home that I realized how much their boundaries protected me. I thank God that He, too, placed high boundaries around me. Most notably, my nearly complete lack of boyfriend activity prior to meeting Steve. I wasn't nearly as OK with His limits in the moment. They just made me feel left out and weird. I spent a lot of time praying that he'd bring a man into my life. And I was frustrated a lot during the waiting. But looking back, I see that the unanswered prayers were, like my parents' rules, a merciful protection from harm.

Given my history, it's hard for me to imagine having parents who encourage you to sin. But this week's Boundless Answers column is in response to a woman who is living with her fiance because her parents want her to. And they think marriage should be postponed not only until after she finishes school, but preferably, till she's 30. Living with her fiance now, they reason, is good practice for marriage and insurance against divorce.

She wrote,

They are adamant that we live together, so we can see if we're compatible before marriage. You can probably see where this is going. We've fallen into sexual sin several times.

How can we convince my parents that it is a good idea for us to marry now? I can't think of any reasons they'd agree with, as they don't see any problems with premarital sex. It's really important to us that my parents are happy, and I don't want to dishonor them by going against their wishes. We really want to honor God, and honor my parents, but I just think two years is too long, and I'm worried we may sin again. Any ideas?

She's made of stronger stuff than I am. I know I would have fallen many, many times under those circumstances. I replied,

It sounds like your parents want you to have a meaningful relationship. And they're encouraging you to do what the conventional wisdom says is a wise path to marriage: test the relationship by living together. They're also against early marriage, again going with the current trend to delay marriage because it seems that later marriages are more likely to be satisfying and less likely to end in divorce.

But their good intentions aren't enough. Their worldly wisdom is clashing with your conscience. Because you know Jesus, and presumably are studying Scripture — His revealed will for our lives — you know your highest authority isn't them, but God, and God has revealed a plan for relationships, sex and marriage that's opposite of what they're asking you to do. This makes for a lot of gut-wrenching angst.

So what should you do?

To find out, read "Disobeying Your Parents."

Can You Pray Away Your Sex Drive?

"Just because societal norms are to marry later (whether due to personal choice or due to circumstances in this fallen world — the latter being my situation at present), doesn't mean our God-given sexuality is delayed along with the marriage plans. So how do we deal?" That's what one reader asked me for this week's Boundless Answers. It's a question I suspect all Christian single women ask, whether out loud or just in their own heads. I know I did. So what's the answer?

Here's a bit of what I wrote,

I'm not sure it will do any good to ask God to take away your biological urges. After all, He created you to have them, and to have them for a purpose. Your biological promptings are linked to God's design. Your digestive system gives you hunger pangs to let you know your body needs more fuel. Your nervous system prompts you to remove your hand from hot appliances. Your sexual desires can be manipulated in many ways, but at their core, they are designed by God to prompt you to be united in the one flesh union of marriage.

You can read my full reply here. (And please do send your questions to editor@boundless.org for future columns.)

When Just Friends is Just Poison

In this week's Q&A I answer a question from a reader who says her heart is increasingly drawn toward two men who explain that they want to be "just friends." Should she hold out hope, or move on?

Here's a taste of my reply,

My inbox is full this week of letters from women like you wondering how they can hold on to their good friendships with men who've recently let it be known that friendship is all they're looking for. I can understand your desire to still spend time with one or both of these friends because up till now, they've filled an important role in your life. ...

Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more—especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic)—then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.

What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.

You can read the full question and answer in "The Poison in 'Just Friends.'"

Next Monday: Can you just pray away your sex drive? Stay tuned.