The Benefits of Having Babies Early: An Interview with Kevin DeYoung
Have you noticed how many reasons there are to not start your family? Everything from scary headlines and falling home values to career and travel plans that conspire against the little voice that says maybe this is the the time to have a baby. Is that voice your possible child speaking? If you need some reasons to get started, this is the place. Following is the second in our series of interviews with people we look to as family-formation mentors. This week, pastor and author Kevin DeYoung talks about having kids early. It's soul-shaping, exhausting, and fun.
What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
We were surprised by how tired we got and the time involved. With three kids now (and a fourth on the way) we think, "why did we feel so exhausted with one child?" But there is nothing as dramatic as the transition from zero to one.
Overnight your schedule is no longer your own. We couldn't go on walks whenever we wanted. We couldn't leave the house without thinking it through. Of course, we were also surprised at how immediately you love this new member of the family and how gladly you center your life on him or her for those first few months.
How has having children affected your marriage?
We were only married nine months before Trisha got pregnant, and only 18 months before having children. So it's hard to remember what it was like without children. We have no regrets whatsoever with having children sooner rather than later. There are plenty of frustrating days, but the joy our kids bring more than makes up for them. Of course, having children means less time for just the two of us. It means that our relationship focuses a lot on taking care of the kids. It means that my wife often feels like a mother before she feels like a wife. But having kids also means we have a house full of laughter. It means we get to share this massive discipleship project together. It means, on some days, that we need each other for survival.
How has having children affected your relationship with God?
On the negative side, it's harder to set aside ample time for prayer and meditation. Our kids have also been God's means of showing us our impatience and anger. On the positive side, I (Kevin) have learned a lot about the Fatherhood of God in experiencing what it's like to be a father. Trisha has learned about humility and the constant need to die to yourself. We also have been motivated to pray, realizing that we cannot control their lives, nor ensure their physical or spiritual safety. Having children is about giving yourself away every day. What have you learned through the highs and lows of starting a family?
The craziness and frustration of parenting is a struggle, but after the kids are in bed for a half hour, the angst subsides and you wonder why you were so worked up. The highs are manifold: watching the kids play together, wrestling on the floor, teaching them to read, hearing them pray, singing with them.
Did either of you have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
Trisha gets a hankering for red meat. I (Kevin) really enjoy this aspect of her pregnancy! She suddenly is interested in burgers, hot dogs and other protein-rich man-food. She also has had cravings for sweet tea and chocolate chip cookies (but that may just be part of life).
What’s the most annoying toy or children’s show or video that parenthood has brought into your life?
Bob the Builder is really lame, as are many of the PBS cartoons. But for the most part we only get the kids toys and videos that we also like (now that's some good parenting!). Trisha would like to add that we have no personal animosity toward Bob, Scoop, Muck, or Dizzy. The stories are just pretty uninteresting.
When do you find time to read, blog, and write as a parent?
As a pastor I get to read for my job. The church has given me a four week study leave each year, so that affords wonderful time for reading and writing. I also read once the kids are in bed or when I'm traveling. The bathroom works too. I love to read, so I'm usually reading during even the smallest breaks during the day. Trisha has found it harder to read, but she manages once in awhile before bed. Trisha and I hardly watch any TV, so when the kids are in bed and the house is clean (which is late at night sometimes) we are either talking or reading together (or I'm at a meeting).
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
While we recognize that every situation is different, in general we are big proponents of starting your family early. Trisha has said, "You may regret the things you lose in the process, but you never regret the children you have." We would say to most couples: don't wait. The transition will get harder as the habits of being without kids get more ingrained. Plus you never know what your health will be or how long the woman will be able to have children (if the couple is able to conceive). Children are a blessing. They sanctify you and can make your marriage stronger every bit as much as, or more than, living five years on your own can do.
----------------------- Kevin DeYoung is the husband of Trisha and Dad of Ian, Jacob and Elizabeth. A graduate of Hope College and Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, he co-authored Why We're Not Emergent: By Two Guys Who Should Be and Just Do Something: How to Make a Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, etc. Kevin is the senior pastor at University Reformed Church in East Lansing, Mich., across the street from Michigan State University.
Men Should Consider Biological Clock as Well
In Start Your Family, I (Steve) talk about the strong urge Candice felt to have a baby and how I got her to "hit snooze on her biological clock." It's those potent emotions about having children, as well as a broad range of headlines about fertility and the timing of babies, that make us so aware of a woman's biological clock. Increasingly, however, news reports are explaining that men also have a biological clock to keep in mind.
"It wasn't all that long ago that any suggestion that a man had a 'biological clock' like a woman, and should father children sooner rather than later, would have been given short scientific shrift," says a new article by U.S. News and World Report. "Not anymore. Today, a growing body of evidence suggests that as men get older, fertility can and does decline, while the chances of fathering a child with serious birth defects and medical problems increase."
The article sources Dr. Harry Fisch, author of the book The Male Biological Clock with the finding that after age 30, testosterone levels decline about 1 percent per year. Fisch doesn't come out and recommend an ideal age for men to start a family, but where men have a choice in the matter, Fisch suggests "the sooner, the better."
Olasky, Early Discuss Start Your Family
This was a big week for book news.
- We answered the interview questions that will go live later today on CitizenLink's Friday Five,
- Listened as Mark Early talked about Start Your Family on the Point Radio, and
- Read Susan Olasky's review in World Magazine (February 28, Vol. 24, No. 4), and
- Wrapped up the contest with MckMama.
On Monday we'll be kicking off a special series with couples we look up to as mentors. You'll recognize some of them. Others will be new. Some still have babies, and others, grand babies. It's our hope that through these discussions, you'll be encouraged that regardless of the times we live in, starting your family is still a worthwhile endeavor -- maybe the best thing you can do.
Want to know what the buzz is all about? Get your copy of Start Your Family today.
Consumer Mindset Drives Desire for Designer Babies
Couples often have certain hopes and dreams for what kind of baby they'll have--hopes about the gender, hair color, personality and so forth but now a clinic is trying to cash in on those desires. "A Los Angeles clinic says it will soon help couples select both gender and physical traits in a baby when they undergo a form a fertility treatment, " says an article in today's Wall Street Journal. The headline of the article reminds us just how much this mindset towards babies has grown out of a consumeristic culture. It's titled, "A Baby, Please. Blond, Freckles--Hold the Colic: Laboratory Techniques That Screen for Diseases in Embryos Are Now Being Offered to Create Designer Children."
Any couple that has found themselves intrigued by the opportunity to create a designer baby should at least stop and watch the 1997 movie Gattaca. Here's a description from Wikipedia:
The movie draws on concerns over reproductive technologies which facilitate eugenics, and the possible consequences of such technological developments for society. It also explores the idea of destiny and the ways in which it can and does govern lives. Characters in Gattaca continually battle both with society and with themselves to find their place in the world and who they are destined to be according to their genes.
Probably the better read is Psalm 139 where we're reminded that every life is already "designer"--because of the care given by an intelligent designer:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
The Spiritual Part of Babymaking
In telling about his harrowing journey to Ethiopia to adopt four children, Motte Brown talks about the challenges (that's putting it mildly) that he, and his wife Beth, encountered along the way. The details brought tears to my eyes as I imagined what it must have been like to endure everything from lost luggage, to formula and diaper shortages, to the near death of one of their nine-month-old twins. But as bad as all those visible hardships were, what really struck me about the 3-part-post was the trauma of the invisible:
With the benefit of hindsight, I now know I was too cavalier about the "Are you ready?" question. I expected it to be painful. But not so much that we would question the very decision we made to adopt. That is where we were. And that is exactly where I believe Satan planned for us to be. John Piper has a sermon on the power God allows Satan in this world.
The fact that Satan has such power in the world should give a kind of seriousness to our lives which unbelievers don't have. It ought not to make us paranoid or fearful, but sober and earnest in our prayers and persistently conscious of needing God's power. When the enemy is supernatural, so must the weapons be.
The enemy was undoubtedly not happy about a loving Christian family saving the lives of four children, both physically, and by God's grace, spiritually. They saved them through adoption. But aren't Christian couples who conceive and bear children and then, according to Ephesians 6, bring them up in the training of the Lord doing the same thing? When believers conceive new life and plan to become parents for God's glory, they are no less in need of spiritual protection than the Browns were in Ethiopia.
Whether you're thinking about starting your family, already pregnant with your first baby, or like us, in the midst of raising your kids already born, it's important to follow Paul's urging, later in that same chapter in Ephesians, to:
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6:10-18)
A Conversation with Todd and Angie Smith
Last Friday I had the pleasure of interviewing Todd and Angie Smith (of Selah and Bring the Rain fame). They were at Focus on the Family for the monthly chapel service and agreed to give 30 minutes to the Boundless Show.
When we went into the studio, I was praying I'd be able to make it through the conversation without crying. Theirs is a story of great loss, as well as miraculous intervention--it's near impossible to read and hear about it without tearing up. We had a candid conversation about their fourth daughter Audrey Caroline, who died just two-and-a-half hours after she was born.
Thankfully, in addition to being a fantastic storyteller, Angie's hilarious. So we laughed a lot, too. And Todd sang for us live. It's an engaging, entertaining and encouraging show, especially for anyone dealing with the disappointments and setbacks of trying to start or grow their family.
Angie's blog is wildly popular, striking a chord with women all over the world. Through the telling of their story, they've been able to minister to countless thousands. After hearing them, I think you'll understand why. You can listen here.
Wall Street Journal: Babies are Human Capital
The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal made an eloquent connection between Nancy Pelosi's contraception policy and the population bust in Europe and Asia:
Ms. Pelosi's remarks ignore the importance of human capital, which is the ultimate resource. Fewer babies would move the U.S. in the demographic direction of Europe and Asia. On the Continent, birth rates already are effectively zero, and economists are predicting labor shortages in the years ahead. In Japan, where the population is aging very fast, workers are now encouraged to go home early and procreate. Japan is projected to lose 21% of its population by 2050.The age and growth rate of a nation help determine its economic prosperity. A smaller workforce can result in less overall economic output. Without enough younger workers to replace retirees, health and pension costs can become debilitating. And when domestic markets shrink, so does capital investment. Whatever one's views on taxpayer subsidies for contraception, as economic stimulus the idea is loopy.
Japan Encourages Workers to Have Babies as Economic Stimulus
While Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi encourages fewer babies to stimulate the American economy, Japan is doing the opposite. According to a CNN report today, Japanese workers are actually being encouraged to go home and multiply:
Japan is in the midst of an unprecedented recession, so corporations are being asked to work toward fixing another major problem: the country's low birthrate.At 1.34, the birthrate is well below the 2.0 needed to maintain Japan's population, according to the country's Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.
Keidanren, Japan's largest business group, with 1,300 major international corporations as members, has issued a plea to its members to let workers go home early to spend time with their families and help Japan with its pressing social problem.
I find Japan's approach to be an odd intersection between government and the bedroom, but it's the kind of thing that's happening in other countries such as Singapore, Italy, Romania, Russia and numerous other places in Europe and Asia. The great irony is that many of these nations are left to make awkward governmental pleas for fertility as a reversal to decades of promoting the same anti-baby policies that Pelosi is advocating in the United States. It's almost as if Pelosi wants one of the last industrial nations with a relatively healthy fertility rate to "catch up" with the rest of the world.
Pelosi Blames Babies for Economic Woes
A mother of five, grandmother of six believes she's found the cure to what ails our sluggish economy: more contraception. In her defense of adding birth control funding to the economic "stimulus" plan, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said on This Week with George Stephanopoulos,
Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.
Yes, there's a lot of bad news about babies being born outside of marriage. And yes, those out-of-wedlock births do cause a strain on state budgets. But Pelosi's proposed solution to that problem is straight from the Planned Parenthood playbook. And it's no solution at all.
In a 2005 column in The Washington Post, Economist Robert J. Samuelson explained why the opposite is true:
It’s hard to be a great power if your population is shriveling. Europe as we know it is going out of business. … Western Europe’s population grows dramatically grayer, projects the U.S. Census Bureau. Now about one-sixth of the population is 65 and older. By 2030, that could be one-fourth and by 2050, almost one-third.
According to information from the Demographic Winter documentary,
By the mid-point of this century, 16% of the world’s population will be over 65. By 2040, there will be 400 million elderly Chinese.
If present low birthrates persist, the European Union estimates there will be a continent-wide shortfall of 20 million workers by 2030.
Who will operate the factories and farms in the Europe of the future? Who will develop the natural resources? Where will Russia find the soldiers to guard the frontiers of the largest nation on Earth?
Who will care for a graying population? A burgeoning elderly population combined with a shrinking work force will lead to a train-wreck for state pension systems.
This only skims the surface of the way demographic decline will change the face of civilization. Even the environment will be adversely impacted. With severely strained public budgets, developed nations will no longer be willing to shoulder the costs of industrial clean-up or a reduction of CO2 emissions.
Pelosi's "solution" to our economic "crisis" will have the opposite effect. But even that's not the worst of it. In her striving to bolster our contraceptive culture, she's willing to deny millions of women the very choice that has brought her the most joy. She is the same woman who once proclaimed, "Nothing in my life will ever, ever compare to being a mom."
We've seen this before. Hostility toward babies born in less than ideal circumstances. It's the mindset of Pharaoh. The mindset of Herod. And to what end? If Pelosi's plan succeeds, who won't be born?
Encouraging the Blessing of Children
Listen to Russell Moore interview Steve on the Albert Mohler show about the challenges and opposition to having babies. It's not an ideal time or culture for starting a family. But then it never has been. Listen here.
Do Christians view children and families as a blessing from the Lord? Or have we, like the culture around us, bought into the idea that children are just another ‘lifestyle option’ for married couples? On today’s program, guest host Russell Moore welcomes Steve Watters to the program. Steve and Candice Watters are the authors of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies.
Green Babies
Is having babies incompatible with being a good steward of the planet? Writing on the Web site Eco Child's Play, Jamie Ervin says no. In her post "Why Environmentalism Should not be a Factor in Family Planning," she disagrees with those who have what she calls a “save the earth, don’t breed” mentality. "IMO," she writes, "this mentality places a greater emphasis on animal rights and earth over HUMAN LIFE and Family."
Well said.
Instead of advocating baby reductions, Jamie encourages people who care about the planet to have green babies.
I believe that we should be the people raising MORE CHILDREN. By the very nature of parenting, I am raising children who are conscious of the impact of everything they do on the earth. They CARE about conservation and reducing consumption.
I didn't wander through the site enough to see what gets covered under the tagline of "green parenting for non-toxic, healthy homes," but I found much to appreciate. Even though the commenters on the blog disagreed, Jamie is insightful to see care for the earth as compatible with having a family, and babies as a source for renewal instead of a threat.
Random Celebrity Comments about Having Babies
"Never will a time come when the most marvelous recent invention is as marvelous as a newborn baby." Carl Sandburg
"It's like everything's fresh and new. Life becomes like looking through a child's eyes. As parents, you have an opportunity to see things fresh again." TobyMac
"Everything changed for me when she was born. Everything. You understand why wars are fought, you understand why men want to own land, you understand why women are so smart, because they have to be... It really did turn my life upside down." Bono (on the birth of his first child)
"There are some exceptional individuals who are able to reach for the sublime by making music, painting pictures--or playing baseball, but for ordinary mortals like myself, it's often a child who helps us 'touch the face of God.'" Sylvia Ann Hewlett
"It is no small thing when they who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens
"Babies are always more trouble than you thought--and more wonderful." Charles Osgood
"[Parenting] is a journey fraught with potential pain and disappointment, but also unspeakable joy and satisfaction." Dr. James Dobson
Bluebabies, Strawbabies and other Good Words
One of my favorite things about a child just learning to talk is the creative way they pronounce words. Most recently, it was our 2-year-old reaching out for the pints of blueberries I'd gotten on sale at the grocery store. "Bluebabies, bluebabies!" he demanded. Not sure what he was after, I looked to see him up on his tip-toes, reaching for the precious fruit. I gave him a few. Not enough. A few more. Still no good. He ate the entire package. At least they're full of anti-oxidants. That's what I tried to remember when, a few hours later, the bluebabies had done their work on his diaper.
Bluebabies. Strawbabies. Raspbabies. That's what he likes to eat just before we say "good might" for the evening and take him upstairs to "Rock!" and sing "Twinkle." Precious.
Of course once they start talking, they rarely stop. Except at night when (if) they're asleep.
Kids Don't Fit (Easily)
I used to think I could "fit" kids into my life. You know, my perfectly ordered, and orderly, life. I even wrote articles about it. Now, four kids later, I've had to do a few reality checks. I'm the one doing most of the fitting these days (not into my old jeans, mind you. It took nine months to outgrow them, surely I'm due more than two months to get back to where I started).
Thankfully, words online can be rethought and revisited. Last week Boundless published my new and revised vision for how we can make room in our lives for babies.