Rethinking the Pill

Carl Djerassi is having second thoughts about the pill. That's not so unusual. Lots of couples start out their marriage using it and later decide to toss it in exchange for the possibility that sex might lead to conception. But Djerassi's different. He's the guy who invented the pill. More accurately, Djerassi is the Austrian chemist who co-created the earliest version of it. With the benefit of hindsight, he's dismayed at the way his version of contraception has made it possible to disconnect sex and children. Not to mention the way Austria's populaion is plummeting. Now he's on a mission to help Austrians who "freely contracept ... wake up" to the downside of their actions.

Apparently it's not enough to "enjoy their schnitzels while leaving the rest of the world to get on with it."

Exactly.

The Big Gap

The promise of "planned parenthood" gives the impression that a man and woman have a great amount of control over family building. While there is quite a lot couples can do to control not having children, the implied promise that a planned approach can help couples have the number of children that's right for them has proven disappointing. A variety of contraceptive approaches now help couples not have more children than they planned on, but the perception of complete control is increasingly leaving more couples having children at a rate below what they intended. Only 2 percent of the respondents to a World Values Survey said they didn't want to have any children, but current demographics show 20 percent of couples ending up without children. Additionally, 3 percent of survey respondents said they only wanted one child while 16 percent of couples end up limited to having one child.

We've know numerous couples who've faced the disappointment of this gap and wish they had been more intentional about their approach. While planning how not to have a houseful of kids, they ended up falling short of the kids they hoped they could have.

Financial Crash Simplifies Approach to Babies

We're still finding out what exactly happened to the American economy last fall (2008) and what the ramifications are for our day-to-day lives. Writing in the Wall Street Journal this weekend, Peggy Noonan (former speechwriter for Ronald Reagan) made an interesting observation about a change in attitudes toward babies:

...everything changed in 2008. A new economic era, begun by a terrible and still barely fathomable crash, is here, and many of us sense deep down that things will never be the same, that the past quarter-century's fabulous abundance—it was the richest time in the history of man—is over. Novelists of our time will, one hopes, attempt to catch what just passed and is passing, try to capture what it was and keep it for history, as F. Scott Fitzgerald caught the Roaring Twenties, as Thackeray did England's 19th century in "Vanity Fair," as Tom Wolfe did the beginning of the age of abundance, in "Bonfire of the Vanities."

I offer in a spirit of encouragement a free image, or observation. At a certain point in the '00s, I began to notice, on the east side of Manhattan, that the 3-week-old infants, out for the first time in their sleek black Mercedes-like strollers, were amazingly, almost alarmingly, perfect. Perfect round heads, huge perfect eyes, none of the dents, bruises and imperfections that are normal and that tend to accompany birth. I would ask friends: Why are babies perfect now, how did that happen? The answers were the usual: a healthy, well-fed populace, etc. Then a friend said: "These are the children of the scheduled C-sections of the affluent. They are scooped out, perfect." They were little superbabies whose handsome, investment banking, asset-bundling, financial-instrument-creating parents commanded even Nature.

But the death of Lehman Brothers was "the day Wall Street died," as the Journal put it this week, and the day the great abundance did, essentially, too. That is a very big thing to happen in a single year. The proper attitude with which to approach the new reality? Consider it "a nudge from God," a priest said this week. Consider him to be telling us what's important and what's not, what you need and what you don't, what—who—can be relied on, and can't.

Getting Your Marriage Healthy for Starting a Family

Starting a family will stretch a marriage.  That stretching has the potential to deepen the purpose and sweeten the friendship of your marriage.  Having a baby, however, isn't the magic solution to turning a bad marriage into a good one.  If you've been struggling with your spouse, we want to recommend a book that our publisher is releasing the same day that our book comes out.  It's called The Marriage Turnaround and it was written by Mitch Temple, a friend and colleague at Focus on the Family. Here's a description of the book from his Website:

Most marriage books and speakers address the topic of marriage problems from a reactive standpoint -- symptoms rather than root causes. The emphasis seems to be on changing behavior without getting to the thinking, mindset and beliefs driving the behavior. Yet most destructive patterns in marriage stem from destructive myths, thinking and attitudes.

Common myths in marriage today include: "I can change my spouse ..." "My marriage is about meeting needs ..." "As long as we are happy ..." "We can't have a successful marriage ..." "It doesn't matter how we treat each other...."

Such distorted thinking destroys good marriages.

The Marriage Turnaround takes a fresh, practical, humorous approach in tackling marriage thinking, attitude and behavior problems. Whether you are about to be married, just married or been married for years, the insights based on over 25 years of experience and wisdom will benefit you and your spouse.

Mitch frequently makes the point that one of the best things parents can give kids is a healthy relationship with their spouse.  We believe Mitch's book is a great resource for that purpose.

Partial Nesting

Our idea of a nest took shape a few months after we got married when we read an article in Time magazine called the “Young and the Nested.” It described millions of couples our age who were settling down—leaving their slacker Generation X attitudes behind in order to decorate homes, have dinner parties, and do similar big people stuff. “Weary of kicking up their heels, they have turned to settling in with the same zeal they once gave barhopping,” the author wrote. “Nesting means you get to trade a crazy public space for a place where you can define who you are,” a couple from St. Louis, Mo., told the writer.

Ann Clurman, a partner at Yankelovich’s MONITOR generational study, offered some perspective on what motivated Gen Xers to nest: “They are the first generation to be scheduled from their earliest play dates; to view school, even grade school, as a ruthless competition; to enter the work force unsure of where they’re going but clear enough that the destination is the top. And now they’re rebelling in their own way--not in the streets but back to hearth and home.”

We saw ourselves in the cultural trend that article captured. Not that we ever had a wild streak to settle down from, but that our desire for hearth and home was part of a larger movement. We had context for our longing to channel the restless energy of our single years into an effort to make a home for ourselves in the world. The term “nesters’ stuck with us as something more descriptive than any generational label.

While the “Young and the Nested” article had much to say about the quest for hearth and home among young couples, a primary focus of the story was the growth and youthful re-orientation of the nesting industry. It described how 20-somethings were embracing hardware and kitchenware stores that had previously targeted older customers. Places like Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, Williams Sonoma, and Crate and Barrel gave our generation visions of a nest that looked a lot more like the ones our grandparents and great-grandparents knew than the odd nesting stuff we knew from the 70s and 80s. Buying into that vision of a more traditional craftsman period, we spent a lot of time in upscale showrooms buying candles and sconces, mirrors and kitchenware, lamps and rugs, desks and occasional tables.

Around that time, we found a description of real nest building that reminded us a lot of our approach back then. Consider how the male and female common tailorbirds split up their work: “Nest building for the Common Tailorbird is a job undertaken by the female. The male can be seen escorting the female on her material collection rounds.” The description continued in something of a Martha Stewart tone:

The ‘cover’ of the nest is formed by the female who meticulously pierces an equal number of holes on each leaf edge with her finely pointed bill as a needle. Spider silk or fine grass serves as thread. Stitching back and forth through the holes, the bird joins each leaf seam together. Fine strands of grass are used to weave the cup nest inside the folded leaf. Once that is completed, feathers and other materials are used to line the inside of the nest to keep the nestlings warm.

The big glaring difference between the common tailorbird and us is that our nest building wasn’t quite so focused on “nestlings.” We were pursuing hearth and home, but the vision we were chasing was more centered around the stuff of the nest than on its original purpose. A bird watcher would find it strange to see two birds create an exquisite nest and then never lay eggs in it. But that’s what we were doing. We were making a beautiful nest, but we weren’t having any nestlings.

Pregnant in First Year of Marriage

From Sharon J. (Lancaster, PA)

My husband and I were not planning on getting pregnant this early. Selfishly we really wanted a year to adjust to each other, process life together, transition into a new life together in a new city without the "added strain" of a pregnancy and a new baby. Even now being pregnant the hard part isn't, "Oh no we aren't out of debt yet," or "Shoot I was wanting to go back to school." Instead it has been hard just thinking about giving up some freedoms. We were planning a trip to Colorado in the fall and now because I will be 7 months pregnant that probably won't be happening and that is hard to think about.

I think for both of us we feel the foot loose and fancy "freeness" of our life is slowly being pulled away. But, truly I think I would have struggled with this at any point of getting pregnant simply because I have been a single, on my own, go where I want when I want person for 10 years, up until I got married 4 months ago.

I wonder at times if I really have what it takes to be a mom. How in the world do you raise a child and not just raise them but build strong character into them and hopefully lead them to the Lord. It is such a huge responsibility to be in charge with another persons life and have them completely dependent on you. I am realizing more than ever the importance of my decisions now.

I know my husband struggles with the question of if he'll be able to provide for us. And he also has nervousness because he has never been around babies and really doesn't know how to hold them, change them, or care for them. Also hearing too from friends how tiring it is is really overwhelming to him because he is already completely exhausted every day from him job so the idea of getting even less sleep is depressing to him.

It also concerns me to think about what kind of world I am bringing my child into. As I think about our earth, pollution, crime, our country's moral character I can definitely be discouraged. But I just have to remember that we worship a sovereign, loving and just God and I just need to trust in Him for today. But with that I am also realizing I can have an impact on our future, disciplining women, and mentoring younger gals to help them contribute to a better society; to be God-fearing teachers, accountants, lawyers, etc. I can make a difference.

Fears and Anxieties

From Celesta B. (Canton, GA)

I remember loads of specific fears and anxieties, namely how would we affordcto relinquish a steady salary so that I could stay home and raise our baby. This wasn't some passing worry; this was the reason we prolonged the "act" so long after we finally made the decision that we did indeed want to have a child.

We agonized over how we could afford to be responsible for a tiny human. I remember this anxiousness hovered over all my waking moments and clouded my faith that God would provide for us and financially honor our commitment to stay home. To be honest, I can't say that I ever really had true faith that God would provide. I hoped He would. I prayed He would. But, I stayed unsettled and worried right through my maternity leave with my employer.

And then, moment by moment, "coincidence" by "coincidence", He was there helping us make ends meet, stretching my husband's salary farther than we thought it could go, bringing big name clients to my newly-established writing business. Now, three years in, those fears seem so far away. Yes, we still have big dreams for a financially secure future, but we've lived more abundantly in these three years than we ever did before our babies arrived. I smile to really finally internalize this promise (and reprimand):

"See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, `What will we eat?' or `What will we drink?' or `What will we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them."

How Can We Fit Kids Into Our Lives?

Ideals are great … until they meet the blender of real life. Having a vision for why and when to start a family can give you new momentum, but you’ll need all the extra motivation you can find once you start thinking through the logistics, the how. This is the place where the things that might be stirring in your heart meet the practical questions from your head: “How can we afford this?” “How will this affect our work?” “How are we going to manage all the care a baby will need?” “How do we prepare a home for a baby?”

“Parents have always had the primary responsibility for taking care of their children’s needs,” writes Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. ”What is new is that those needs are greater today. In a dynamic society and global economy, the task of nurturing, guiding and preparing children for flourishing adult lives requires higher investments of parental money, time and attention than ever before.”

Coming up with all that money, time, and attention is more challenging in a day when couples typically need two incomes to cover their current budget (especially those carrying hefty student loan debt). Beyond the practical financial questions, the psychological questions add more anxiety. Couples who had poor modeling from their parents wonder how they’ll be able to avoid the same mistakes. Those who have seen the extra stress children bring to a marriage might wonder how their relationship can weather having a baby. Additionally, any couple that has gotten used to the nicer things afforded by two full-throttle careers, will likely have nagging worries about changes to their lifestyle and identity.

Then there are the random questions that pop up in the middle of dinner or in the middle of the night: “What about the family reunion that’s scheduled near the time we’d be having a baby? What about that trip to Europe we have planned—the baby would only be a couple of months old?” “Can you even put a car seat in the back of a Mini Cooper?”

In the face of all these logistical questions couples can lose their vision for starting a family—or at least end up wanting to hit snooze on the process.

When couples reach this place in their thoughts about starting a family, it’s tempting to hold off until they can come up with a better plan—until they can figure out what to do with all the questions that have surfaced. But maybe a better plan is overrated.

Just as it’s okay to start your family without having detailed answers to every question “Why,” it’s also okay to not know how everything’s going to work out, to not be able to see but so far down the road ahead.

Most children have been born into the world without a strategy—without a detailed budget or contingency plan. (You have to wonder what life would be like for kids whose parents would actually write a strategic plan before having them; Eustace Scrubb in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader comes to mind.)

By saying you don’t need a detailed plan, however, we’re not advocating that you just plow into all the logistical details of launching a family fueled by a blissful hope that everything will come together. We’re not saying you should back your way into parenthood. It’s a significant responsibility to bring life into the world and then care for, provide, protect, and guide that life.

What we are saying is you don’t need a detailed plan, but a few timeless principles can make all the difference.  …

[This is an excerpt from the “How?” section of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies.

When's the Right Time to Start Our Family?

Most couples have some kind of timeline in mind for when it feels right to have a baby. Maybe it’s vague, maybe you haven’t talked it through as a couple to land on a precise target, but you likely have a sense of what you think needs to happen first and what conditions you think would be optimal for a good start. “We’re going to pay off some debt and explore Colorado a little more and then get started,” we used to tell people. “We’re thinking we’ll try in a couple of years depending on how work is going,” or “We’re going to squeeze in another degree before we have kids,” we’ve heard others say.

Conventional wisdom says timing is everything—it’s essential to find the optimal time to launch your family. “Now that the baby is only a theoretical possibility rather than a biological inevitability, the pre-requisites for baby-readiness in the mind of the modern couple grow every year,” wrote Read and Rachel Schuchardt. Fifty years ago, nearly three-quarters of couples had children within three years of getting married. Now, only about a third do so.

It seems that more and more couples believe that if they get going too soon they’ll get themselves and their babies off to a bad start. Admittedly, there are few things in life more daunting than launching a new life into the world. Anyone who soberly reflects on the magnitude of the venture and of the things that could go wrong can be motivated to think more cautiously about their timing. But for today’s couples, the factors guiding timing have grown more complex.

Couples have always worried about being able to provide for a new family—economic changes, job situations, and debt issues have always been considerations. Today couples are more likely to go into marriage with much greater consumer and educational debt than their parents did, leading many to put off having children. In fact, the percentage of college graduates citing education debt as their reason for delaying children nearly doubled between 1991 and 2002. Additionally, many now have the mentality that getting established—a common prerequisite for having children—means attaining the standard of living that their parents spent decades accumulating.

The promise of a longer life also complicates a couple’s timeline. People who only expected to live for sixty to seventy years knew their life span would affect the amount of time they would be able to spend with their offspring. In the midst of what Robert Butler calls a “longevity revolution,” however, it’s a lot easier to think about starting a family at a much later age.

Adding greater complexity to a couple’s timeline is the growing perception that reproductive technology can make it possible for a woman to become a mom just about whenever she wants. Where the limits of fertility once seemed unyielding, they now seem highly flexible.

In the face of ballooning debt, ever promising breakthroughs in artificial reproductive technologies, and faith that we can live longer than our forebears, couples have more reasons than ever to delay starting their families, alongside few if any cautions about how long they wait. In such conditions, a more stretched out timeline seems prudent and ideal for both them and their future baby. But is it?

Our concern is that even couples with the best intentions tend to underestimate the power of inertia, while overestimating the flexibility they actually have in their timing.  …

[This is an excerpt from the “When” section of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies.]

Why Have Kids?

It’s okay to start your family without a specific reason why—to not have a grand vision or a driving purpose for launching a new life. It’s all right to let the love and joy you share with your spouse drive you forward into family even when people tell you to stop and think gravely before having kids. Ever since time began, men and women have brought new life into the world and the great majority of them did so without clear answers to the question, “Why?” At a simple level, it’s because humans share a lot of reproductive similarities with creatures of all kinds. We were designed with a sex drive that leads to coupling and a fertilization process that can trigger the miracle of life.

If you were to ask your grandparents or great-grandparents why they had children, they would probably give you a baffled look and say, “That’s what married couples did.” In one of their several books on generations, authors William Strauss and Neil Howe observe that the family was such a powerful institution at the midpoint of the 1900s—what they call “the American High”—that it was taken for granted. “Once World War II ended,” they write, “family formation and parenthood weren’t a choice, but a social expectation. To the mind-set of that era, everything was on autopilot.”

In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz echoes such observations on his way to showing how things have changed. “In the past, the ‘default’ options were so powerful and dominant that few perceived themselves to be making choices. Whom we married was a matter of choice, but we knew that we would do it as soon as we could and have children, because that was something all people did.” In the past half century, however, choice has grown into one of our greatest commodities.

“Today,” Schwartz writes, “all romantic possibilities are on the table ; all choices are real.” It’s a trend Howe and Strauss spotlight, writing, “Once the Consciousness Revolution ended, family formation and parenthood weren’t a social expectation, but a choice, even a profound personal statement.”

And so we, of the Xer generations and following, stop to ask, “Why?” We don’t just do things out of tradition or expectation. We don’t just have kids because that’s what’s expected or because it’s what our parents did. We’ve moved beyond that. We have kids as a statement, as a lifestyle choice. But the choice to have children now sits on a shelf in a growing supermarket of options leaving couples asking why that choice would be better than any other.

For many couples, the choice to have a baby faces more than just competing options—it’s under serious scrutiny. “In our society today, parenthood is on trial,” says Po Bronson in his book Why Do I Love These People? He describes skeptical parents like a jury “considering the facts, making their calculations, collecting more evidence.”

…

Where can you find compelling answers to the nagging question, “Why have children?”

[This is an excerpt from the “Why?” section of the book Start Your Family]