Should Women Initiate When Men Don't?

That's the question, two of them, actually, that I answer today on Boundless. One woman wants to know if it's OK to ask a friend of hers to ask the guy she likes if he likes her. "Is this like the fourth grade?" she wants to know. Well, yes. She wonders if it's "OK to use a mentor or mutual friend in this way?" In a word, no. But I do give her more than a two-word reply:

There is a way to include older, wiser married believers in your life, in the context of a church body, that provides opportunities to talk about your desire for marriage and even your interest in a particular man. But in that setting, the goal should be accountability toward spiritual maturity, as well as protection, not orchestrating a date for Friday night. What you describe sounds like manipulation — trying to influence events to your favor and will. And it doesn't typically end well.

The second woman has been friends with and liked a guy for 10 years. Ten. She wants to know, "Am I wasting my time? Is he never going to see me in that light? Should I stop asking him to hang out? I've met his family and spent time with his sis, and she said he is horrible with contacting people. What should I do?"

It's painful to think that 10 years will have been fruitless in this area, but it's time to face facts:

Go with what you know — he's not interested — and stop throwing good time after bad. This relationship is not going to lead to marriage. What's worse is that by hoping he'll change, you're probably missing out on other good men who would make godly husbands. And you're growing older all the while, possibly squandering your season of marriageability. This is a stewardship issue for you.

You can read the full questions, and my response, in "Taking the Lead."

What's Wrong with Me Syndrome

"What's wrong with me?" That's the question I often asked myself when passed over by a handsome young man who, though friends with me, chose to date one of my female friends instead. From the looks of my inbox, I'm not the only Christian woman to experience that painful rejection.

Today on Boundless I reply to a woman who wrote,

I've never had a boyfriend. To love a man with the love God has given me for others is one thing I desire above all else. But I've yet remained "invisible." Is something wrong with me? Every person I know tells me "Oh, you're the sweetest person I know," "You're so loving," and so forth. From others' compliments I don't think I'm hard to get along with, and I think I'm average looking.

I try to get myself involved with different social circles and activities, but I'm invisible. And the guy friends that I've thought, Maybe there is something here, end up dating other girls. I'm happy for them, but it makes me wonder what's wrong with me? What is your suggestion for shaking this feeling of "something-must-be-wrong-with-me" syndrome that I seem to be struggling with?

My answer is here.

Further Reading

Cultural Changes in Approach to Starting FamiliesBarbara Dafoe Whitehead, "Life Without Children," State of Our Unions 2006, The Social Health of Marriage in America

Christian Apologetic for Family Formation Albert Mohler, "Does the Family Have a Future? Part 2" Albert Mohler, "Can Christians Use Birth Control?"

Biblical Guidance for Having and Raising Children John MacArthur, "A Plan for Your Family: God's vs. the World's" John MacArthur, "God's Pattern for Children, Pt. 1" Kenneth Boa, "Perspectives on Parenthood"

Financial Resources Ellie Kay, Financial Resource Center Money Saving Mom, moneysavingmom.com

Dealing with Loss The Story of Audrey Caroline, Bring the Rain Hope for the Journey of Grief, String of Pearls Candice Watters, Grieving Miscarriage

Family Discipleship at the Zoo

  Next to pictures from the apple orchard and pictures from birthday parties, the scene that seems most repeated in our family scrapbooks is the annual outing to the zoo.

Seeing the animals from the perspective of a three-year-old transports me back to childhood wonder in a way few things can.

And being so close to big beasts, having watched Earth and back in the day, Wild Kingdom, I'm amazed by the privilege and responsibility that comes with taking dominion.

There is much to learn at the zoo. It's the sort of setting where lessons about God are everywhere. The challenge for parents, if you're anything like us, is to set aside your agenda--your desire to see everything and still be home in time for a nap--and listen for the Spirit's prompting. Here are just a few lessons that may emerge:

God made the earth and all the animals (Genesis 1:1, Hebrews 1:10)

The earth, the heavens, the stars, all point to God, they declare His glory. (Psalm 19:1, Habakkuk 3:3, Psalm 50:6, Psalm 102:25)

The wild animals honor God. (Isaiah 43:20)

We, humans, are tasked by God with being good stewards of His creation, including the animals. (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 2:15)

God feeds the animals. (Luke 12:24)

How we care for the animals is a test of our kindness.(Proverbs 12:10)

Family field trips are a great place to teach your children about our great Creator, the Maker of all the animals. Seeing the vast diversity of creatures in one small space displays His majesty. He designed it that way, as Job reminds us:

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you,

or the birds of the air, and they will tell you;

or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,

or let the fish of the sea inform you.

Which of all these does not know

that the hand of the LORD has done this?

In his hand is the life of every creature

and the breath of all mankind" (Job 12:7-10).

Getting Kids to Work Gladly

When our kids complain about their chores, and even more when they grumble about pitching in to help with the day-to-day work of a busy family, it's tempting to help them see how good they have it by reminding them how much more work I have to do. But that is not God's way. It will never turn their hearts from complaining by being a complainer myself. God made us in His image and when we work, we are doing what He does. When I work wholeheartedly, I show that I am made in God's image. God is at work.

Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working” (John 5:17). (See also, Psalm 66:5, Romans 8:28,Genesis 2:2, Psalm 121:4, Philippians 2:13, John 5:36, John 14:10.)

We serve an active God who has revealed Himself to us in Scripture, the very book that calls inactivity and laziness folly. Proverbs 6:9 asks, "How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?" Followed a passage that's sometimes quoted in our home:

A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man (6:10-11).

So important is this lesson that it's repeated verbatim a few chapters later in Proverbs 24:33-34.

Author Paul Tripp says, "The call to meaningful, necessary, productive, and creative labor goes to the very heart of our identity as creatures made in the image of God." (Age of Opportunity, p. 203-204 )

Rather than model complaining and holding up all the work I have to do, I need to show our children that I embrace the work I get to do, that which I've been called to do. With gladness. It is a privilege to be given responsibility and working joyfully as unto Him brings Him glory. It's also a prerequisite for more and increasing responsibility (see the Old Testament stories of Daniel, Joseph, Samuel).

I pray today, and every day, I'll be a good example of what it means to work as unto the Lord with all my heart. There's much more at stake than just clean dishes.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving (Colossians 3:23-24).

Men Aren't the Problem, Sin Is

It's easy to see the sin in people around us. Especially when it causes us pain. For single women, the temptation is to see all the failings of single men and think "they're the reason I'm not married!" What's harder is looking objectively at sin in our own hearts. That's the subject of my article published today on Boundless called "The Trouble with Men is the Same Trouble with Women." I wrote,

We're quick to notice where men stumble — abdicating their responsibility, abusing their authority, being passive and failing at work — but in our culture, the thing that God said would be a curse on women — desiring to use their strength to displace men — is the very thing our culture esteems. We praise the achievements of women, even when they come at the expense of men. But life isn't a competition, a cosmic matchup of boys vs. girls. We need each other. And for those of us who believe in Christian marriage, especially so.

I hope this article will help single men and women who grew up in a unisex culture figure out how to get married in a way that is consistent with God's design.

If you're already married and are the parents of boys and girls, now is the time to help them think biblically about what it means to be created male and female, with the same essence, but different purposes. I appreciate this article by Doug Phillips because it helps me think more deeply about my own tendency toward unisex child rearing. Turns out it's not helpful. I suspect a lot of frustrated singles would agree.

Here's a snippet:

While boys have to be taught to be protective of their sisters, girls have to be taught to expect that protection. This has to be done in a way that does not inculcate a pampered "entitlement" mindset, but more like a grounding in the way the permanent things are. The differences between the sexes are just there, like gravity.

Boys should be taught that they are to protect their sisters "from the dragon," and the very first thing this means is that they must refrain from turning into the dragon themselves. When the protector turns into the very thing that protection is needed from, the result for the girl involved is nightmarish. ...

There are many marriage problems that began as untended squabbles between siblings.

I hope you'll take a few minutes to read both articles.

Just Enough Snow

Spring arrives early in Kentucky. That's one of our favorite things about moving here from Colorado. About the time we'd be digging out of our biggest snowstorm back in Colorado, the crocuses are pushing up the earth in our flower beds. But not as early as February. Last week's short snow storm provided some early morning snow play.

There was just enough snow for sledding.

For snowballs.

Enough even for snowmen.

It's a good thing we got outside when we did. Because it was just enough.

Faught Family Photos

I like alliteration. The way closely connection words flow when they start with the same sound. How about the way closely connected people come together to capture a moment in time? Even better.

Dalrymple Family

Let the family-photographs-for-Christmas-cards season begin! First up, our friends and neighbors, the Dalrymples.

Springtime In Kentucky

What Size Family?

Is it possible to have too many babies? That's the question I answered this week on Boundless. The woman asking wrote,

My older sister is pregnant with her fourth baby and excited about growing her family. She and I were talking last night about family size, and it got me thinking about how many children are too many and if that is even possible — to have “too many” children.

If we believe in a completely sovereign and good God, what are the implications of that on determining how many children are in a family? Many say we are to use wisdom in determining the size of our family, but how is that consistent with completely trusting God's sovereignty in every area of our lives? I struggle to understand this, and I really want my perspective to be the same as God's and not tainted by my own preference or opinion.

God is in control of all things, especially which eternal souls are born into the world and when and to whom. Just like He can keep some from ever conceiving, can't He determine when a family has the right amount of children and close the womb? If so, why don't we trust Him to do that?

The rest of her question, along with my response, is over at Boundless.org.

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

Yesterday I tried to build a fire in the fireplace and it blazed away, till the paper and fat wood had burned through. “Keep an eye on it honey, or it’ll die out after it roars through your kindling,” Steve said while we talked on the phone. Check. This morning I asked Steve to build me a fire before he left for the office.

Thanks honey! It’s blazing. Still. And we’re on our ninth stick of firewood. I love sunny blue skies and crisp, dry winters, with a gas fireplace ready-at-the-flip-of-a-switch Colorado-style. But since we’re no longer in Colorado, I’ll take a roaring fire to keep the overcast, icy, bitter-cold-Kentucky winter company.

Besides, now it's snowing. Sideways. Better get the sleds ready.